John Ratzenberger credited as playing...
Cliff Clavin
- Cliff Clavin: [in comparison to a Jewish bris] The original rites of passage started with the jungle tribes down there in Borneo.
- Norm Peterson: Yeah?
- Cliff Clavin: When the young jungle tribal lad was on the brink of puberty, they'd bring him forward and take out this large sharpened clam shell...
- Sam Malone: Oh, no, no, no don't tell me...
- Cliff Clavin: ...they would fill it with dip, pass it around with the hors d'oeuvres...
- Sam Malone: Oh.
- Cliff Clavin: ...then they'd take these two big jagged rocks in there...
- Norm Peterson: Cliffy, Cliff, Cliff...
- Cliff Clavin: ...and bang them together to call in the tribes out of the hills, you know. Then the witch doctor stepped up with this long sharpened bamboo staff...
- Sam Malone: Oh, here it comes.
- Cliff Clavin: ...and shoved it into the ground, hung a flag on it and they danced around it, pretty much, until they dropped, really.
- Sam Malone: Oh, wait... When do they circumcize the kid?
- Cliff Clavin: What do you mean circumsize? There are no Jews in Borneo, you moolyak.
- Woody Boyd: It's a memory quilt that all the women in my family made for me when I graduated from high school.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, I've heard of these things. A bunch of women get together and embroider patches that string together the happy memories of a young man's life.
- Cliff Clavin: So these women were authentic folk artists then, huh?
- Woody Boyd: No, just bored housewives.
- Woody Boyd: Hey, check this out. See this soft blue square here? This is a piece of my very first baby blanket.
- Norm Peterson: Now, what do those little dots signify?
- Woody Boyd: Oh, that represents my very first childhood disease: smallpox. I almost died.
- Cliff Clavin: Uh, what's that long green thing there?
- Woody Boyd: Oh, this is the bean stalk from my very first high school play. I fell off it during the first act, cracked two ribs and punctured a lung. I almost died.
- Woody Boyd: Oh, this red patch here represents the big fire that burned down my house when I was six.
- Norm Peterson: And what, you almost died?
- Woody Boyd: No, I got out. And while I was running away, I fell in this well right here, and I almost...
- [pauses]
- Woody Boyd: Well, you know.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [about himself] I mean, how can you go back to a room where people think you're a total idiot. I mean, how do you do it, Cliff?
- Cliff Clavin: Well, I don't really like to divulge... hey!
- [the bris is over; Cliff and Norm walk out of the pool room]
- Cliff Clavin: You know, Norm? I'm glad we went to the ceremony.
- Norm Peterson: [Munching on an hors d'oeuvre] Me too, Cliffy. I'm kind of proud of myself, you know? I figure if I could eat through that, I could eat through anything.