Ted Levine: Stottlemeyer

Mr. Monk and the 12th Man

Stottlemeyer

Mrs. Ling: When I fix this shirt, you don't complain, 'cause you good customer. You come back anytime, Mr. Babcock.
Disher: Ma'am, he just killed eleven people.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Twelve. Let's not forget about the first Mrs. Babcock, who I'll bet is buried under that new porch.
Mrs. Ling: Well... He still good customer. Not crazy like that Mr. Monk over there.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk can't help you because, well... he's... he's Monk and he's lost in Monkland.

Disher: Captain!
[hands a file to Stottlemeyer]
Disher: Washington just sent this down, it's a prelim psych profile.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [holds the folder to his forehead] Let me guess: the killer is between 30 and 45 years old, white male, does not work in an office, probably spent time in the military, and definitely hates his mother.
[Hands the file back to Disher]
Disher: How did you know that?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: 'Cause that's what they always say, Lieutenant. That's scrap paper.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to the squad room] All right everybody, listen up. Listen up! We're not going to find him flailing around in the dark. Let's communicate, keep each other briefed. We're going dumpster diving! We're going to...
[turns and notices Disher putting up another sheet on the wall with the photos of the victims]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What are you doing?
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm leaving a space for the next victim.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Take it down. Take it down.
[Disher takes it down]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There is no "next victim." We're stopping the son-of-a-bitch at *10*.

Disher: Are you ready for this?
[long pause]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Randy, you could be halfway through your first sentence by now.
Disher: We just picked up Juror #12 at a casino in Wallenpowpack. He gambles a lot, he's always in debt. He did it.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What, did he confess?
Disher: Well he tried to bolt when we picked him up. He lawyered up. He's not saying a thing. And are you ready for this?
[another long pause]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes, Randy, we're ready! You don't have to ask. You never have to ask!
Disher: He's got a body part in his freezer. A human finger.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Really? Well, the DA's gonna love that. They love body parts in the freezer.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: [to Monk, after Monk is attacked trying to stop Henry Smalls's killer. He notices that Monk has bandages on each hand] Did you hurt both of your hands?
Sharona Fleming: No, just the left one.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Then why do you have bandages on both... ? Right. Symmetry.

Adrian Monk: [about the 11 victims] What do they have in common?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Absolutely nothing.
Adrian Monk: Exactly. They have... nothing in common. Some are rich, some poor, different ages, races, occupations... Captain this is a very diverse group. They are... too diverse.
Sharona Fleming: "Too diverse"?
Adrian Monk: I'm talking statistics. You'd have to work hard, really hard, to find a group this different. Plus, look at this. The blue pins indicate where they lived, right?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: The murders took place all over the Bay Area, but the victims all lived in Marin County. What are the odds of *that*?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Go on, go, go, go, go...
Adrian Monk: A diverse group... all registered to vote... you know where you find a group like that?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes, yes! On a jury!
Disher: Yeah, yeah, yeah, hang on, hang on...
[checks his computer]
Disher: He's right. They all served together on the same jury six years ago.
Adrian Monk: A jury.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: On a jury.
[he kisses Monk on the cheek, then runs out to rally the task force]

Sharona Fleming: [about Kenny Shale] You called him a weasel.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I didn't.
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, you did. Three weeks ago.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I never said "weasel." I said he was a... "woof." Oh, yeah, I said "weasel." I called him a weasel, but you see, that's not a bad thing. I had a weasel. A weasel is a noble animal, all right? It's a term of endearment.
[to a passing cop]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Jerry, hey, how are you doing, you weasel? Good to see you!
[turns back to Sharona]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: See, I call everybody a weasel.

[Monk and Sharona arrive at the toll plaza]
Adrian Monk: Handcuffed?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Handcuffed and tied to about 70 feet of rope.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my god!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And then he was dragged, west 7/10ths of a mile. I just saw the body, or what's left of it. The M.E. says he's never seen anything like it. There's no end to it.
Adrian Monk: What do you mean?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I mean this is #9. Nine bizarre murders in the past two weeks. Every time my beeper goes off, my heart skips a beat.
Adrian Monk: Any connection?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, no connections at all. I mean, four have been men, five women. All different ages - Latino, white, black.
Adrian Monk: And the M.Os?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All different. There's been a couple of shootings - all different weapons, a hit-and-run, a drowning, an electrocution. It-It's like a full moon every night.
Adrian Monk: And you're sure that the cases have absolutely nothing in common?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well they have one thing in common, Monk: we can't solve them. I swear, there's something in the water here.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's brilliant, but he's Monk. He's lost in Monkland.