Michael Weatherly: Anthony DiNozzo

Deception

Anthony DiNozzo

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [as Ziva is zooming through the parking garage searching for the victim's car] On the odd chance that I can actually see something traveling at warp speed, what kind of car are we looking for?

Officer Ziva David: Lt. Commander Wilkinson drives a 2002 silver Jetta.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Figures...
Officer Ziva David: What figures?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Chick car.
Officer Ziva David: Meaning?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: There are guy cars and there are chick cars. It's a known and irrefutable fact.
Officer Ziva David: Was it a government study?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's just a thing you know, you don't know how you know it, you just do. Sebring, Liberty, Jetta and Bug; whole VW line are all chick. Mustang, Camaro, Escalade, PT Cruiser: all guy. Hummer is very guy, but with adequacy issues, and then there is some that go both ways.
[Officer David steps on the brakes and points at a silver car]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's an Accord, not a Jetta. But, case in point, Mini Cooper and Accura follow the same category.
Officer Ziva David: Uff, you've giving this a lot of thought, it's very sad.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Then there is the Miata, it's a special case: Leans to chick, but can go guy, usually means he's in denial, though. STOP!
Officer Ziva David: Gladly, if it means I don't have to listen to your automobile gender issues.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after entering Wilkerson's house] Nice job with the lock by the way.
Officer Ziva David: Thank you, it was a very simple pin-and-tumbler design.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So are handcuffs. But I bet you couldn't get out of a pair.
Officer Ziva David: Are you saying, you'd like to handcuff me, Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not *really* my thing, Ziva.
Officer Ziva David: I see. You're the one who likes to be handcuffed, then, huh?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [quietly, to Ziva] Will you please calm down. This guy is a little jumpy, and nervous, so just relax. No sudden moves, all right?
[Ziva removes her cuffs, kicks the security guard's gun away, and pins him to the floor, aiming the gun at his chest]
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: No, no! Don't shoot! Don't-don't shoot!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nobody's gonna shoot anyone. Right, Officer David?
Officer Ziva David: He called me a dirtbag.
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: [whimpering] I'm sorry, ma'am.
Officer Ziva David: [angrier] "Ma'am?"
[Tony facepalms]

Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Make any sudden moves, I shoot. Do we understand each other?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Okay, relax, Quick-draw. We're feds.
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Yeah? What agency?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, Officer Ziva David: NCIS.
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Never heard of it.
Officer Ziva David: Naval Criminal Investigative Ser...
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Never-heard-of-it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [sighs] You never actually get used to that. You think you will, but you never do.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: A train track?
Abby Sciuto: Yes that would be the obvious choice. But there isn't a second "thunk" or a "thack" not even a "thock" in that track.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You've been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss books?
Abby Sciuto: You know I love me some Theodore Geisel.

Security Officer Chuck Parnell: [into his radio] Central. I got two suspects claiming to be feds.
[no response]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No little red light on the radio, means the radio not working.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Ziva's driving as they're searching for Wilkerson's car] Just out of curiosity, who taught you to drive?
Officer Ziva David: I did!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Gibbs quickly accelerates the car] Where we going now, Boss?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The mall!
Officer Ziva David: And they have a problem with *my* driving?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Gibbs] That's a nice suit. You didn't get married again, did you?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony answers the phone in front of two Teenagers] Ops. Yeah. It's DiNozzo. Hey Mattie, I need to requisition two sets of genital cuffs, and I gotta requisition the Mark-5 Taser again. No you don't have to clean them, I'll wear rubber gloves. Thanks.
[hangs up the phone, and presses the speaker button]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm thirsty. Can I get you something to drink?
[Danny and Tim shake their heads]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You really should because interrogation makes you a little dehydrated.
[starts to walk away]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Okay.
[turns around]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, before I forget, any history of testicular cancer or high blood pressure in the family? Okay, you know what? You guys think about that for a second, I'm gonna do a little refill, and we'll talk about the boring stuff later, funny guys.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Did you get Lt. Commander Wilkerson's home address?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [sitting at his desk] I did.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Then why are you still here?
[Tony jumps to his feet at heads to the elevator]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Are you waiting for an invitation, Officer David?
Officer Ziva David: Oh, so you really are getting married?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He means you're with me.
Officer Ziva David: [jumps to her feet] Oh. I knew that!

Danny: We didn't know the phone was stolen!
Tim: We bought it from a guy we know at school.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I want the name, Beavis.
Danny: Well, we don't, like, "know" know him.
Tim: Yeah, meaning we don't exactly know his name.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, I, like, think you're, like, totally, like, lying... like. You want to know why?
Danny: 'Cause you're old?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [chuckles] Funny guy. You're playing a dangerous game, small fry.