Sean Murray: Timothy McGee

Doppelgänger

Timothy McGee

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Where are we going, boss?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: To talk to Petty Officer Lambert's shipmates.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But he's not on a ship, boss.
[staring look from Gibbs]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh. Sir, you... you were using a military euphemism.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ya think?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: So, uh, you mean Bethesda Hospital Computer Center.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You speak their language.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You mean I'm going to interview them?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I interview, you translate. Come on.

Abby Sciuto: This really sucks.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I'll tell you what sucks. Working after school as a burnt potato chip picker.
Abby Sciuto: You're making that up.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You ever seen a burnt potato chip in a bag of potato chips?
Abby Sciuto: Hmm. Now that you mention it...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Sat next to a conveyor belt, air choked with oil, watching cooked potato chips fly by. I would pick out the burnt ones while trying not to get motion sickness.
Abby Sciuto: Incinerator operator. Burning medical waste at 2,000 degrees. Body parts, body waste.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Summer between freshman and sophomore year, I was a Port-a-Potty cleaner. It was the hottest summer on record.
Abby Sciuto: Ski lift operator, Alberta. Negative 44 degrees Fahrenheit.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Cleaned asbestos.
Abby Sciuto: Collected roadkill.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tie?
[distracted, Abby doesn't respond]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No? Okay. Before I joined NCIS...
Abby Sciuto: [turning his face to the monitor] Is that what I think it is?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Depends. What do you think it is?
Abby Sciuto: The reason Petty Officer Lambert faked his own murder.

Caitlin Todd: Last time I'm gonna tell you, Tony. Don't answer my phone, use my computer, read my mail, look through my purse, scan my PDA, or touch my cell phone ever.
Anthony DiNozzo: [on the phone] And an extra side of hash browns.
[hanging up]
Anthony DiNozzo: Just so we're clear, Kate, I didn't do any of those things. Zero. Zip. Nada.
Caitlin Todd: Then how did you know where I went to breakfast?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Logo on the coffee cup in your wastebasket.
Anthony DiNozzo: Anyone invite you into this conversation, probie?
Caitlin Todd: You looked through my trash?
Anthony DiNozzo: Did you say it was off-limits? Huh? Did ya?
Caitlin Todd: Why do you do these things?
Anthony DiNozzo: Sharpening my investigative skills.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: If Tony ever does find his ex-roomie, check his accounts, too.
Anthony DiNozzo: I'm zoning in on him.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah? You locate him?
Anthony DiNozzo: Not yet, but... got his driver's license. Federal tax return, too. He's a freelance computer geek. Made six figures last year.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Wishing you were a computer geek, Tony?
Anthony DiNozzo: I'd rather be homeless than be you, probie.

Abby Sciuto: I have looked at 100,000 lines of code. Is it possible to die of boredom?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No.
Abby Sciuto: How can you be sure?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, because I had Professor Bernbaum for economics. Believe me, his class makes staring at a monitor seem like Mardi Gras.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Petty Officer Lambert was part of the team that was updating the Navy's medical computer system. He'd been working on it almost two years.
Abby Sciuto: Did you tell him?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No. Saved the best for you.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, thanks, McGee. You know how I relish the moments...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Stop relishing and start explaning, Abby.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: The Navy writes a lot of prescriptions, so the amount that he was getting, it's no way it was for personal use.
Abby Sciuto: In the last five months, 18,000 Oxycontin, 12,000 Percocet, 9,000 Vicodin.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Legal price for an 80 milligram Oxycontin, six dollars.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Street price is $65 to $80.
Abby Sciuto: On the Oxycontin alone, he made a million bucks.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Cash.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Petty Officer Lambert is long gone.
Abby Sciuto: I would be.

Karen Wilkerson: What made you suspicious, Agent Gibbs?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: A murder that didn't happen. Your petty officer faked his own death. He wanted us looking for his body instead of him.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We'd have done it, too, if Abby hadn't found the hinky blood trail.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [inadvertently interrupting Gibbs and Karen] Boss, uh... I-I don't know if this is important or not.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: McGee, this had better be the most important phone call you ever made.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [handing McGee a cassette tape] Tell Abby I want a full acoustical analysis.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh... uh, boss, you-you know that she's working Petty Officer Lambert's hard drive, answering machine, and all the crime scene evidence.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Then help her, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [gleefully] Yes, boss.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: He erased his hard drive.
Abby Sciuto: No problem.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: He used a DOD-certified wipe program.
Abby Sciuto: Uh-oh.
Caitlin Todd: "Uh-oh" doesn't sound good.
Abby Sciuto: It's not. A DOD wipe not only deletes, but it overwrites seven times.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: There's no way to recapture the information, boss.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Why would he use something like that on his home computer?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, he's an information systems tech, and it could be just a matter or course, or he could be...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Hiding something.

Abby Sciuto: Five months ago, Petty Officer Lambert buried a simple command in the program to send him drugs.
Timothy McGee: Lots of drugs.
Abby Sciuto: McGee!
Timothy McGee: Sorry.
Abby Sciuto: For every 337 prescriptions, one was written for him. It's ingenious in its simplicity.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What kind of drugs?
Timothy McGee: Painkillers. Percocet, Vicodin, Oxycontin.
Abby Sciuto: Oxycontin is twice as addictive as heroin. It's more addictive than pistachios.
[Odd looks from Gibbs and McGee]
Abby Sciuto: Well, have you ever just eaten one pistachio?
Timothy McGee: Yes...
[Promptly gets smacked on the back of the head by Gibbs]