Stephen Root credited as playing...
Jimmy James
- Jimmy James: [Presenting Joe the box of "movie memorabilia" he bought] Check this out.
- Joe Garrelli: A Clark bar?
- Jimmy James: No, *the* Clark bar, from Looking for Mr. Clarkbar.
- Joe Garrelli: Sir, have you ever even been to a movie?
- Jimmy James: What about this?
- [Pulls out a stuffed beaver]
- Jimmy James: Basic Instinct.
- Joe Garrelli: That's not the right one.
- Joe Garrelli: Wait a minute, sir. Haven't you heard the phrase, "The man who represents himself has a fool for a client"?
- Jimmy James: All right, then who do you suggest?
- Joe Garrelli: Me.
- Jimmy James: All right!
- Joe Garrelli: Mr. James's case is in the bag, because I know something the other side doesn't.
- Dave Nelson: What's that?
- Joe Garrelli: That all federal judges are members of an obscure sect of the Freemasons.
- Jimmy James: Wait a minute. You're telling me that our entire case is based on all judges being Masons?
- Joe Garrelli: There' more to it than that. There is a secret word that, when uttered, forces the judge to rule in your favor, then go to a secret location to paddle themselves in a secret ceremony.
- Dave Nelson: What is it?
- Joe Garrelli: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
- Dave Nelson: All right, but it better be good.
- Judge: Mr. James, all you have proven to this court is that you have a box full of junk. Never since The People vs. Junkyard Jones has a box of junk been so thoroughly documented. If I were this young man, I'd countersue you for defamation of character, and generally wasting everyone's time. What do you have to say in your defense?
- [Joe whispers in Mr. James's ear]
- Jimmy James: Tubal Cain.
- Judge: The court rules in favor of Mr. James and sentences the defendant to a month in a juvenile ward for psychiatric evaluation. Case dismissed.