John Larroquette credited as playing...
Dan Fielding
- Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: What kinds of stuff do they ask you on those tests?
- Judge Harry T. Stone: Well, there are several parts to it, Bull. Personality, aptitude, IQ. For example, they might show you an ink blot
- [squirts ketchup from bottle to create a blot on a napkin]
- Judge Harry T. Stone: like this.
- [lifts napkin]
- Judge Harry T. Stone: Dan, what do you see?
- Dan Fielding: [Buxom woman walks past Dan] A set of hall of fame hooters.
- Judge Harry T. Stone: [Speaking of Bull's replacement for two weeks] Her name is Ursula something.
- Dan Fielding: Ursula? We're getting a bailiff named Ursula?
- Judge Harry T. Stone: That's what they tell me.
- Dan Fielding: Yee. I picture high Scandinavian cheek bones... Stern, yet yielding blue eyes, a mane of blond hair. Kinda girl you wanna get naked with and roll around in front of a fire place.
- Ursula Schmiendorf: [Old, short woman walks into Harry's office] Judge Stone, I'm Ursula.
- Dan Fielding: [Notices Ursula, jumps. and screams] Aaaah!
- Ursula Schmiendorf: What's with him?
- Judge Harry T. Stone: Reality cramps.
- Ursula Schmiendorf: Tell me about it.
- Judge Harry T. Stone: So, uh, you're Ursula...
- Ursula Schmiendorf: Schmiendorf.
- Judge Harry T. Stone: Schmiendorf. That's German, isn't it?
- Dan Fielding: Yeah, it means bad sausage.
- Dr. Judith Malloy: Excuse me, Mr. Fielding.
- [Speaks into microphone]
- Dr. Judith Malloy: Okay, I'm ready. You can send in the next couple.
- Dan Fielding: So tell me, Doc. What are you trying to do with these gauges and meters and stuff?
- Dr. Judith Malloy: We are trying to isolate the trigger mechanisms that stimulate human sexual arousal.
- Dan Fielding: Couple of pina coladas and my hormones will be wearing party hats, babe.
- Dr. Judith Malloy: Mr. Fielding, these experiments are of a serious and professional nature.
- Dan Fielding: Well, Dr. Malloy, I'll have you know that I have logged thousands of hours of field experience covering the entire range of tacto-physiokinetic responses in relation to... Whoa! Here are the naked people.
- Dr. Judith Malloy: We call them subjects.
- Dan Fielding: [Grabs microphone] Let the games begin!