Harry Anderson credited as playing...
Judge Harry T. Stone
- Dan Fielding: [Dan found out that the two weeks he spent abstaining from sex as part of a sperm donor program was unnecessary] I haven't had sex in two weeks. It's 3 AM and I don't have a *date*.
- [He begins looking obsessively around the cafeteria]
- Roz Russell: Run for your lives girls!
- [All females flee the cafeteria. Dan still looks around obsessively]
- Harry Stone: Better safe than sorry guys!
- [All males flee]
- [spoiler]
- Harry Stone: [re: Mrs. Rothman's husband] He shot himself, didn't he?
- Mrs. Rothman: Arnold would never do that. Never! He was not a weak man. I don't want any of you thinking he was a weak man!
- Harry Stone: He was in a lot of pain, wasn't he?
- Mrs. Rothman: ...Yes. He was in a lot of pain.
- Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: But we all have our limits, Mrs. Rothman, and my grandfather used to tell me that beyond a man's limit... is a place that God just doesn't want us to be alone in.
- Dan Fielding: [Enters courtroom angrily at Miss Beeker] You don't know what you're talking about, lady!
- Alice Beeker: Please, Mr. Fielding, it happens to a lot of men.
- Dan Fielding: Not to me, it doesn't!
- Christine Sullivan: Dan, what happened?
- Dan Fielding: They rejected me.
- Alice Beeker: Many are called, but few are frozen.
- Christine Sullivan: They rejected you? Why?
- Alice Beeker: His sperm is slow and immature.
- Christine Sullivan: [fighting not to laugh] Oh... I'm so sorry I asked.
- Dan Fielding: That's great. Why don't you just go ahead and tell the whole world while you're at it?
- Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: [excitedly] I'll start with the cafeteria!
- [runs out of the courtroom]
- Harry Stone: Miss Beeker, is this something abnormal?
- Alice Beeker: Oh, not at all. He just doesn't fit within our semen parameters.
- Harry Stone: Which are?
- Alice Beeker: Sixty million per cc.
- Dan Fielding: I demand a recount!
- Alice Beeker: You know Mr. Fielding your problem could be attributed to fatigue. How recent was your last sexual encounter?
- Dan Fielding: [hesitates a few seconds] What time is it now?
- Alice Beeker: It would be no problem to retest you. But to be sure we have an accurate result I suggest you abstain for two weeks.
- Harry Stone: From sex?
- Christine Sullivan: Dan?
- Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: I got twenty, says he doesn't make it back to his car.