John Larroquette credited as playing...
Dan Fielding
- Dan Fielding: [Dan found out that the two weeks he spent abstaining from sex as part of a sperm donor program was unnecessary] I haven't had sex in two weeks. It's 3 AM and I don't have a *date*.
- [He begins looking obsessively around the cafeteria]
- Roz Russell: Run for your lives girls!
- [All females flee the cafeteria. Dan still looks around obsessively]
- Harry Stone: Better safe than sorry guys!
- [All males flee]
- Alice Beeker: [In the cafeteria] We can save time by filling out this questionnaire here. So you can make your first deposit tonight.
- Dan Fielding: It'll be my pleasure.
- [laughs]
- Alice Beeker: [Not impressed] All finished?
- Dan Fielding: Yeah.
- Alice Beeker: Fine. Now... have you ever donated before?
- Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: Yes, he gave at the office.
- [laughs]
- Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: I'm never gonna get through this.
- [stands up and walks away]
- Dan Fielding: No, I haven't.
- Alice Beeker: Have you ever had a semen analysis?
- Dan Fielding: You mean by a professional? Negative on that too, babe.
- Alice Beeker: Now... let's get into your underwear. What kind do you wear?
- Dan Fielding: [Everyone in the cafeteria looks at Dan then Dan looks at everyone] Men's! Uh, look, Miss Beeker is all of this necessary, all of this here?
- Alice Beeker: I'm afraid so, Mr. Fielding. In fact, it gets even more personal. You see, we have to delve into every aspect and detail of your sex live as part of the screening process.
- Dan Fielding: You really enjoy your work, don't you?
- Alice Beeker: Immensely.
- Dan Fielding: [Enters courtroom angrily at Miss Beeker] You don't know what you're talking about, lady!
- Alice Beeker: Please, Mr. Fielding, it happens to a lot of men.
- Dan Fielding: Not to me, it doesn't!
- Christine Sullivan: Dan, what happened?
- Dan Fielding: They rejected me.
- Alice Beeker: Many are called, but few are frozen.
- Christine Sullivan: They rejected you? Why?
- Alice Beeker: His sperm is slow and immature.
- Christine Sullivan: [fighting not to laugh] Oh... I'm so sorry I asked.
- Dan Fielding: That's great. Why don't you just go ahead and tell the whole world while you're at it?
- Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: [excitedly] I'll start with the cafeteria!
- [runs out of the courtroom]
- Harry Stone: Miss Beeker, is this something abnormal?
- Alice Beeker: Oh, not at all. He just doesn't fit within our semen parameters.
- Harry Stone: Which are?
- Alice Beeker: Sixty million per cc.
- Dan Fielding: I demand a recount!
- Alice Beeker: You know Mr. Fielding your problem could be attributed to fatigue. How recent was your last sexual encounter?
- Dan Fielding: [hesitates a few seconds] What time is it now?
- Alice Beeker: It would be no problem to retest you. But to be sure we have an accurate result I suggest you abstain for two weeks.
- Harry Stone: From sex?
- Christine Sullivan: Dan?
- Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: I got twenty, says he doesn't make it back to his car.
- Alice Beeker: Interested in becoming a donor?
- Dan Fielding: No, my motto is "Love the one you're with unless it's a jar."
- Alice Beeker: Are you sure?
- Dan Fielding: Lady, why would anyone degrade themselves like that?
- Alice Beeker: For a hundred bucks a throw. Two or three times a week.
- Dan Fielding: [Calculates in his head] That's twelve hundred a month. I could defile myself into a Porsche by the end of the year.
- Alice Beeker: Zoom, zoom, zoom.
- Alice Beeker: Mr. Fielding?
- Dan Fielding: Well, if it isn't the Mistress of the Mason Jar. I said I'd be down there in the morning.
- Alice Beeker: That's why I stopped by. It won't be necessary.
- Dan Fielding: What are you talking about?
- Alice Beeker: Turns out, we made a mistake.
- Dan Fielding: Huh!
- Alice Beeker: It was a new man in the analysis section. He mixed up you test results with those of another person.
- Dan Fielding: So what you're saying is...
- Alice Beeker: Your sperm is just dandy. Bye.
- Dan Fielding: Just like that? Wham, bam, thank you, Dan?