David Mitchell: Mark Corrigan

Jeremy Makes It

Mark Corrigan

Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] It's OK, he doesn't have any feelings. Racists don't have feelings, they're subhuman.

[They're trying to threaten Gog into giving them their money]
Super Hans: Nice packet of Crunchy Nut you got here. Pretty expensive, as I recall.
[he pours the cereal onto the floor]
Jeremy Usborne: [brandishing baseball bat at Gog] Not so rich and successful now with a piece of wood in your face, hmm?
Mark Corrigan: Look, Jeremy, we can come back again, he's got the message. You're gonna pay, aren't you?
Gog: No.
Mark Corrigan: All right then, we've got our answer. Let's go!
Super Hans: We've got to hurt him on principle. Hit him with the fucking bat, Jez.
Jeremy Usborne: Why do I have to? Why don't you do it? Punch him with the glove.
Super Hans: [holding up his hand wearing a baseball glove] Punch him? I can't even make a fist!
Mark Corrigan: This is the whole point about contract law, the whole point of a contract is to make sure this kind of thing never happens!

[Hans is in the kitchen smoking crack]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] God, what is he taking? Better not disturb him, he might attack me and be sick.
Mark Corrigan: Er, Jeremy!
Jeremy Usborne: What?
Mark Corrigan: What's Hans doing?
Jeremy Usborne: He's honking on his crack pipe.
Mark Corrigan: Crack! I've got company.
Jeremy Usborne: Oh relax. "Oh I'm Mark, I'm in the eighties, I'm dying of heroin in a puddle in the corner in an advert." Drugs are fine, Mark, everyone agrees now. Drugs are what happen to people and that's fine, so shut up.

Mark Corrigan: [speaking to Darryl over the intercom from the recording booth] Darryl, listen, the truth is... I can't be associated with you anymore because you're a racist.
Darryl: What? But I thought we were on the same wavelength. You know, the sausage, the Euro, Clarkson.
Mark Corrigan: There's a difference, Darryl, you can't hate people because of their ethnic background!
Darryl: Oh right, political correctness gone mad.
Mark Corrigan: No, I hate political correctness gone mad more than anyone! I don't want to teach the world to sing, that would be horrible, but slavery? The Holocaust? That's just not on! Whereas, "I have a dream", South Africa, Benetton... you've got to say... "Fair enough", yeah?
Darryl: Yeah. OK, no. Fair enough. You've talked me round.
Mark Corrigan: I have?
Darryl: Fuck off. Thought police.

Jeremy Usborne: [On finishing recording at studio] Brilliant, fantastic! What did you think Hans?
Super Hans: Crack. Just gimme crack.
Jeremy Usborne: Well I loved it.
[Begins to exit studio]
Mark Corrigan: Jeremy, don't just go...
Super Hans: I'll suck for crack!
Jeremy Usborne: Yeh, c'mon Super Hans, let's get you some crack.

[Mark and his new friend Darryl are horsing around in the JLB Credit offices instead of working]
Darryl: I'm Barnes Wallis, you're the Ruhr!
[Darryl pushes a load of empty water cooler containers down the stairs at Mark. They throw scrunched up pieces of paper at each other, laughing]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] I'm the Ruhr! And no one's actually said the word "Dambusters"! This is bloody brilliant! I'm having fun! And I'm not thinking about Sophie!

[Mark is being questioned by Johnson about the sausage that was pinned to Ian Krauss' office door]
Johnson: It's very embarrassing. And since Ian Krauss is of German extraction, it has to be treated as a racial incident.
Mark Corrigan: Ian's a...? A racial incident? But why?
Johnson: Oh come on, Mark. Germans? Sausages? Do I have to spell it out? The sausage-munching Boche. Fritz, the bratwurst guzzler.
Mark Corrigan: Of course. Horrible.

Jeremy Usborne: Why did you have to bring Darryl? He's a bit... boring, isn't he?
Mark Corrigan: Oh, boring? What, because he doesn't go around with... a haircut and an iPod and... piercings and a... strap-on?
Jeremy Usborne: Strap-on?
Mark Corrigan: It's an example.

Jeremy Usborne: How are you feeling, Super Hans?
Super Hans: Fine. Totally fine.
Mark Corrigan: You've kicked the crack?
Super Hans: No, except now I bang a load of Valium up me arsehole for the comedown.

Darryl: And they're treating it as a racial incident? Bloody hell, next you won't be able to get a black coffee from the coffee machine.
Mark Corrigan: Exactly! And they'll have a bloody EU banana-straightening machine to straighten all the bananas!
Darryl: Hey, there's already a banana-straightening machine, it's called woman.