David Mitchell credited as playing...
Mark Corrigan
- Jeremy Usborne: Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for wankers.
- Mark Corrigan: Yeah, well, Frosties are just Cornflakes for people who can't face reality.
- Jeremy Usborne: So suddenly I can't go out for drink with the defendant? Well, why not?
- Mark Corrigan: Well, I suppose people might think it would make you less impartial if you're trying to bone the woman you're meant to be judging.
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh, that is typical. Jeremy can't be trusted to judge the woman he's sleeping with but Tony Blair can, yeah?
- Mark Corrigan: Jez, it's contempt of court.
- Jeremy Usborne: Look, Mark, I'm a musician, in case you've forgotten. I answer to a higher law, the law of "If it feels good, do it."
- Mark Corrigan: Oh, that's a great law, isn't it? What's that, Gaddafi's law?
- Jeremy Usborne: It's the musician's law. Colonel Gaddafi could not lay down a bass hook, Mark. That should be clear even to you.
- Mark Corrigan: Right, OK, that's it, turn the music down. You can stop smoking your drugs, I'm making tea and toast for Sophie, I'm putting on Radio 4, everything's normal. I'm not really high on drugs so you can stop talking your nonsense on my time.
- Ollie: Whoa, what's the problem, man? Can't we just chill?
- Mark Corrigan: No, you can't, you've been chilling long enough, this is reality calling.
- Ollie: But what about you and me? The bond?
- Mark Corrigan: There is no bond. You're not a bad person but I'm afraid to say you are a moron. Now pull your socks up and get your shoes on. Come on, all of you.
- Ollie: Whoa, man!
- Mark Corrigan: And listen, while we're at it, there are systems for a reason in this world. Economic stability. Interest rates. Growth. It's not all a conspiracy to keep you in little boxes, all right? It's only the miracle of consumer capitalism that means you're not lying in your own shit, dying at 43 with rotten teeth. And a little pill with a chicken on it is not going to change that. Now come on, fuck off!
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] So, a candle stuck in a wine bottle apparentely doesn't cut it anymore, now for a special night, you have to have Class A drugs and fisting.
- Jeremy Usborne: Who'd have thought it, eh? You and me, out clubbing, you off your tits. I can genuinely see us eventually reminiscing about this.
- Mark Corrigan: Right yeah, Jez, listen, the thing is, I didn't actually pop my pill, I'm pretending. In fact, mate, I could do with a few pointers on how to be a druggie.
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh Mark, why didn't you bang one?
- Mark Corrigan: Because I don't want to wake up dribbling in a phone box with a trucker's penis in my ear!
- Jeremy Usborne: Mark, that is so not the E experience. You're much more likely to wake up with depression and a sense of worthlessness.
- [Mark is being hugged by Sophie's gay friend who is high on ecstasy]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Oh God, the sweaty grip of the moron.
- Mark Corrigan: You've been called for jury service? I can't believe they'd choose you. Must be some kind of mistake.
- Jeremy Usborne: Why shouldn't I do jury service?
- Mark Corrigan: Because your... critical facult... I'm not being rude but you'd be the first to admit that you're not a very logical thinker.
- Jeremy Usborne: No, I wouldn't.
- Mark Corrigan: You still don't properly understand what happens in Ocean's Eleven, do you?
- Jeremy Usborne: It's a complicated film.
- Mark Corrigan: It really isn't.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Ah, soup. Lovely hug in a mug. All I need now is a kiss in a tube. A wank in a packet.
- Mark Corrigan: Aren't you going to open your post?
- Jeremy Usborne: No, it's boring. "You may have won this", "You may owe us that", who cares?
- Mark Corrigan: Jeremy, that one's "On Her Majesty's Service" for God's sake.
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh sure, it's On Her Majesty's Service delivered by the Royal Mail. Probably an invitation to one of Princess Anne's shepherd's pie and dogging parties.
- Sophie Chapman: Mark, I'm so proud of you!
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] She's proud of me? For taking a little white pill of drugs? But probably if I'd fought at Goose Green she wouldn't want to know.
- Mark Corrigan: You look great.
- Sophie Chapman: Thanks! Do you like my hair? Shaylee did it. She works in the juice bar with Dom and she does Indian head massage too. God, it's orgasmic.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Juice bar? Massage? Orgasm? That's everything I stand against!