Leslie Nielsen credited as playing...
Det. Frank Drebin
- Det. Frank Drebin: Is there a ransom note?
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Yes. The butler found it. It was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lab. They're demanding one million dollars.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Why would the lab demand a million dollars?
- Det. Frank Drebin: [narrating] Ed and I drove around for hours for no particular reason. We came up empty.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Evening. Is this 808 Garboniforus Road?
- Det. Frank Drebin: [the butler turns Drebin's piece of paper right side up] Maple Street?
- Thames: Yes sir, it is.
- Det. Frank Drebin: I'm from Police Squad, I'd like to see Captain Hocken.
- Thames: [takes Drebin's badge] Of course, Lieutenant, eh... Flebner.
- Thames: [Drebin turns the badge right side up] Eh, Drebin. Do come in.
- Det. Frank Drebin: I was just going over the arraignment report. It looks like the butler Thames will be doing his serving from now on up in the Statesville prison.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Along with Martin, Dutch Gunderson, Lana and Sally Decker. Frank, when will people learn that crime doesn't pay?
- Det. Frank Drebin: Well, I suppose if they do learn, we'll be out of a job.
- [slaps Hocken's knee, they go into freeze frame]
- Det. Frank Drebin: Mr. Burton, we have men combing the entire lakefront area. If your daughter is close, we'll find her.
- Warner: The lakefront? My God, do you know how big that area is? My daughter's a needle in a haystack!
- Det. Frank Drebin: That's not true. I've seen a picture of her, she's very attractive.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Maybe a little thin...
- Det. Frank Drebin: [searching for a Tuba store next to a filling station] Ed, you find anything?
- Capt. Ed Hocken: No, nothing. Frank, we've been through hundreds of these.
- [reading from yellow pages]
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Acme Tuba, Tuba World, Tubas Are Us...
- Al: [Wearing a Tuba City T-shirt] Can you take a phone call, Captain?
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Not now, Al!
- Capt. Ed Hocken: [continues reading] International House of Tubas, Tuba or Not Tuba, Tuba Legation. Ah, we've come to a dead end, Frank.
- Prisoner: [a prisoner has gotten loose and is holding the cops at gunpoint] I got the gun now! And I'm gonna kill all of you... one by one.
- [Frank, oblivious, walks through a door, hitting the prisoner and knocking the gun from his hand; all the cops rush the prisoner and arrest him]
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Good job, Frank!
- Det. Frank Drebin: What?
- [Mrs. Burton starts crying over a failed ransom call trace]
- Det. Frank Drebin: Just relax. Everything's going to be all right.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Mrs. Burton, what did he say?
- Mrs. Burton: Just relax. Everything's going to be all right.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: No. The kidnapper.
- Mrs. Burton: He said he'll call us soon for the instructions for the money drop. And if we don't do what he says, he'll kill Terri.
- [cries on her husband's shoulder]
- Mr. Burton: Lt. Drebin, what do I do?
- Det. Frank Drebin: Well, as I understand it, you're in the textile business.
- Mr. Burton: I mean, I don't want the police involved in this.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Nah, we all got to work together to capture this kidnapper.
- Mr. Burton: I'll pay whatever ransom is necessary to get Terri back.
- Det. Frank Drebin: No, that would be giving into him. These people are emotionally unstable. Got a case like this, similar. Kidnappers cut the victim's ear off and send it to the family.
- [Mrs. Burton shrieks in disgust]
- Capt. Ed Hocken: So, you see, you've got to let us help you.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Not the whole ear, of course. Just a peace of it.
- [Mrs. Burton half sobs]
- Capt. Ed Hocken: And if this whole thing blows over, we'll return Terri's ear, if she's still alive.
- [Mrs. Burton starts sobbing]
- Det. Frank Drebin: She's taking it hard.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Yeah. We'd better go, Frank. We'll leave Officer Nordberg here. If you need anything, just ask him.
- Det. Frank Drebin: We'll be in touch.
- [they start walking out, and approach Nordberg]
- Capt. Ed Hocken: After we go, I want you to nose around.
- Det. Frank Drebin: And keep an eye out for the ear.
- Norberg: Yes, Sir.
- [goes up to Mrs. Burton who is just beginning to wind down]
- Norberg: Don't you worry, Mrs. Burton. When Terri's ear comes, I'll handle it.
- [Mrs. Burton sobs again]