Leslie Nielsen credited as playing...
Det. Frank Drebin
- Det. Frank Drebin: [as manager Bob Kelly] Now do you think you can beat the champ?
- Buddy: I can take him blindfolded.
- Det. Frank Drebin: What if he's not blindfolded?
- Det. Frank Drebin: Johnny, I need some information and fast. There's a woman in trouble.
- Johnny the Snitch: You mean Mary, the boxer's wife who was just kidnapped?
- Det. Frank Drebin: Right. You know anything about it?
- Johnny the Snitch: Maybe I do, maybe I don't.
- [Drebin hands Johnny some money]
- Johnny the Snitch: She's in big trouble. She's being held by Martin's goon, Luca.
- Det. Frank Drebin: What's a goonluca?
- Martin: We've got Mary.
- Buddy: What?
- Det. Frank Drebin: [still posing as Kelly the manager] You're bluffing.
- Martin: Oh yeah?
- [pulls out a scarf]
- Buddy: Mary's scarf!
- Det. Frank Drebin: You could have gotten that anywhere.
- [grabs the scarf and throws it away]
- Martin: How about this?
- [pulls out a knitted purse]
- Buddy: Mary's purse!
- Det. Frank Drebin: There are millions of purses like that.
- [grabs purse and throws it in a corner]
- Martin: How about this?
- [pulls out a toaster]
- Buddy: Mary's toaster!
- [two slices of bread pop out]
- Det. Frank Drebin: Oh my God...
- Det. Frank Drebin: [voice-over] I'd just come from the stockyards. We'd gotten reports of hundreds of cows had been senselessly slaughtered in the area, but I couldn't find any evidence. I stopped off for a hamburger and checked in with headquarters.
- [in a misty steam room]
- Det. Frank Drebin: All right, hands up Luca! I got a gun in your ribs!
- Mary: I'm not Luca, and those aren't my ribs!
- Luca: Eat lead copper!
- [gunshots are heard]
- Det. Frank Drebin: Mary, you all right?
- Mary: Yes.
- Luca: So am I!
- [more gunshots]
- Det. Frank Drebin: How about now?
- Luca: Now? Not so good.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Too bad you lost your last three fights.
- Buddy: So I had some bad luck, so what?
- Det. Frank Drebin: Well, maybe you don't have the right kind of management. Don't you think you should start thinking about that, buddy?
- Buddy: I make a pretty good living.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Maybe you can make a better one. And a cleaner one and a better one.
- Det. Frank Drebin: [as Bob Kelly the manager] Buddy Briggs belongs to me now, but just to make it nice and legal, I brought along a bill of sale. Sign it.
- [throws bill on table and puts Briggs contract in his inside pocket]
- Det. Frank Drebin: [to second poker player] You. You witness it.
- Det. Frank Drebin: [to third poker player] You, check for spelling errors.
- Det. Frank Drebin: I'm a manager. I wanna take over Buddy Brigg's contract.
- Cooper: What are you, some kind of a wise guy?
- Det. Frank Drebin: Yeah, I'm a wise guy. With a lot of long green.
- Poker player: You manage Lorne Greene?
- Cooper: I'll trade Buddy for Lorne Greene.
- Det. Frank Drebin: No, no, I mean I got cash.
- Poker player: You manage Johnny Cash, too?
- Cooper: Wait a minute. Who are you?
- Det. Frank Drebin: Kelly. Bob Kelly.
- [puts a roll of cash on the table]
- Det. Frank Drebin: Mind if I sit in a few hands?
- Cooper: Your money's good here.
- Poker player: Goodyear? You got the blimp, too?
- [Playing poker, the pot has grown very large]
- Cooper: That's a lot of dough-re-mi, Kelly. I'm outta cash. What about these?
- [Holds up fuzzy dice]
- Det. Frank Drebin: No dice. But there is something else I'm interested in.
- Cooper: What's that?
- Det. Frank Drebin: Buddy Briggs's contract!
- Det. Frank Drebin: Anyone with Schultz after the fight?
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Just his manager.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Who's that?
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Some joe named Cooper.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Who's this Joe Cooper?
- Capt. Ed Hocken: No, no, it's Sol Cooper.
- Martin: You think you're a big man, Drebin, but I'm tellin' you, I'm gonna beat this rap!
- Det. Frank Drebin: Don't count on it, Martin. Looks like you and your cohorts will be doing your boxing up at the Statesville Prison from now on.