Leslie Nielsen credited as playing...
Det. Frank Drebin
- Mrs. Twice: Oh, PLEASE go away. Please go away! I don't want to answer anymore of your questions.
- Det. Frank Drebin: We're sorry to bother you at a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Wait a minute, let me get this straight: Twice came in and shot the teller and Jim Fell.
- Sally Decker: No, he only shot the teller, Jim Johnson. Fell is ill.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Okay, then after he shot the teller, you shot Twice.
- Sally Decker: No, I only shot once.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Twice is the hold up man.
- Sally Decker: Then I guess I did shoot Twice.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Oh, so now you're changing your story.
- Sally Decker: No, I shot Twice after Jim fell.
- Det. Frank Drebin: You shot twice and Jim Fell?
- Sally Decker: No, Jim fell first and then I shot Twice once.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Well, who fired twice?
- Sally Decker: Once!
- Capt. Ed Hocken: He's the owner of the tire company, Frank.
- Det. Frank Drebin: [pauses] Okay. Once is the owner of the tire company and he fired Twice. Then Twice shot the teller once.
- Sally Decker: Twice.
- Det. Frank Drebin: ...and Jim fell and then you fired Twice.
- Sally Decker: Once!
- Det. Frank Drebin: Okay. All right, that will be all for now, Ms. Decker.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: We'll need you to make a formal statement down at the station.
- Sally Decker: Oh, of course!
- Det. Frank Drebin: You've been very helpful. We think we know how he did it.
- Sally Decker: Oh, Howie couldn't have done it. He hasn't been in for weeks.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Well.
- [pauses]
- Det. Frank Drebin: Thank you again, Ms. Decker.
- [to Ed]
- Det. Frank Drebin: Weeks?
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Saul Weeks. He's the comptroller, Frank.
- Sally Decker: Well, when I first heard the shot, and as I turned, Jim fell.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: He's the teller, Frank.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Jim Fell's the teller?
- Sally Decker: No, Jim Johnson.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Who's Jim Fell?
- Capt. Ed Hocken: He's the auditor, Frank.
- Sally Decker: He had the flu, so Jim
- [pauses]
- Sally Decker: filled in.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Phil who?
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Phil Din. He's the night watchman.
- Sally Decker: [crying] If only Phil had been here!
- Mrs. Twice: Oh, poor Ralph! Do you know what it's like to be married to a wonderful man for fourteen years?
- Det. Frank Drebin: No, I can't say that I do. I did live with a guy once, though, but that was just for a couple of years.
- [Mrs. Twice makes sounds of trying not to cry]
- Det. Frank Drebin: Usual slurs, rumours, innuendos - people didn't understand.
- [Ed gives Mrs. Twice a handkerchief and she starts crying into it]
- Det. Frank Drebin: [to camera]
- Det. Frank Drebin: Ran him outta town like a common pygmy.
- [Mrs. Twice starts crying a little harder]
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Did he have any enemies?
- Mrs. Twice: Well the Democrats didn't like him.
- Det. Frank Drebin: [continues, to camera, with Mrs. Twice continuing to sob softly] Sure, he was a physical education major but he had a mind! He could think, he wasn't all muscle, all body, all sinewy limbs. He got married, you know, later - had three kids. Never cared for her. Sent a nice gift, never got a note.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Now, I know this is a long shot, but did he ever eat chop suey?
- Mrs. Twice: [crying] No, no he never did.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: It was just a hunch.
- Det. Frank Drebin: [continues, to camera, with Mrs. Twice still going back into her softly sobbing mode] I told him she was wrong. And that youngest boy, just like his father. Football hero. Lived with him for a year. It wasn't the same.
- [wistfully]
- Det. Frank Drebin: You can't go back.
- Det. Frank Drebin: [narration] My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective-Lieutenant, Police Squad, a special detail of the police department. There'd been a recent wave of gorgeous fashion models found naked and unconscious in laundromats on the West Side. Unfortunately, I was assigned to investigate holdups of neighborhood credit unions. I was across town doing my laundry when I heard the call on the double killing. It took me twenty minutes to get there. My boss was already on the scene.
- Det. Frank Drebin: [offering her a cigarette] Cigarette?
- Sally Decker: Yes, I know.
- Det. Frank Drebin: [puts the pack away] Well...
- Mrs. Twice: Oh, poor Ralph! And what about my daughter? What am I going to tell her?
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Yeah, you're gonna have to tell her something. Tell her he went on a long trip.
- Det. Frank Drebin: No wait a minute, how about a big monster came and took him to daddy heaven?
- Det. Frank Drebin: [Mrs Twice starts sobbing louder] Nah...
- Capt. Ed Hocken: What about this: he threw himself on a grenade and saved the battalion. Yeah, that's it.
- [Mrs. Twice starts sobbing stronger]
- Det. Frank Drebin: No, no, wait a minute, he was killed by a left wing insurgence from Paraguay?
- Det. Frank Drebin: [Mrs. Twice is sobbing uncontrollably now] No, Bolivia.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: I got it! I got it, he, he was traded to the Cubs for Reggie Jackson.
- [Mrs. Twice can't stop sobbing, and Frank and Ed finally give up and give her an expression of helplessness]
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Alright, Sally, you're under arrest.
- [turns to two police officers]
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Sergeant, take her away and book her.
- Det. Frank Drebin: [Frank comes up and shakes the policemen by the hand] Sergeant Takeheraway, Sergeant Booker.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: You know, Frank, there's one thing I still don't understand. Now, how did you know that the money Sally gave to Dr. Zubatsky wasn't traceable?
- Det. Frank Drebin: [laughs] I didn't.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Huh?
- Det. Frank Drebin: But neither did Sally!
- [slaps Hocken on the back. They both begin to laugh, but instead of sound coming out of their mouths they freeze frame]
- Dr. Zubatsky: My God, you're an animal!
- Det. Frank Drebin: [mumbling incoherently, al la John Hurt in The Elephant Man] I am not an animal. I am a human being!
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Frank, I know you got Sally's arrest record from R & I
- [Records and Information]
- Capt. Ed Hocken: , but how did you ever figure out she was the one behind the loan office heist?
- Det. Frank Drebin: Just a little hunch back at the office.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: I thought so. Because I brought that little hunchback with me. Charlie, come out here!
- [a short, 'hunchback' man walks in]
- Det. Frank Drebin: Charlie! Thanks for the tip.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Was the, eh, dentist cooperative?
- Det. Frank Drebin: Yeah, he gave us plenty of rope. Now we have to see if we can get Sally to stick her head into the noose.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Hi, Frank.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Hey, Ed, just got back from the arraignment. Sally Decker's gonna have to get her teeth straightened at the Statesville Prison from now on.