Zach Braff: Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian

My First Kill

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian

Carla: [carrying Rowdy, the stuffed dog] Turk! What is Rowdy doing in my closet?
Turk: [matter-of-factly] He's guarding your shoes, baby!
Carla: He almost gave me a heart attack!
Turk: Baby, could you do me a favor and not hold him by the haunches like that? Yeah, he has hip dysplasia.
J.D.: He's a pure-bred -- it's genetic.

Dr. Perry Cox: Each and every one of you is going to kill a patient. At some point during your residency you will screw up, they will die, and it will be burned into your conscience forever. Hell, take pee-pants, here -
Doug Murphy: Pee-pants...
Dr. Perry Cox: - he just might go ahead and get himself a good clean kill this morning, seeing as his patient, Mrs. Samson, is in DKA and he hasn't been tracking her phosphate level. Her phosphate level. Her phosphate level.
J.D.: Doug! Stop writing and go!
Dr. Perry Cox: That young man has killed so many patients, I'm starting to think he just might be a government operative. The point is, the harder you study, the longer you just might be able to hold off that first kill. Other than that, I guess cross your fingers and hope that the guy you murder is a jackass with no family. Great to see you kids. All the best!

Turk: Wow, isn't that a shocker, you don't care about something that's important to me. You know what? Why don't you just throw him out?
J.D.: Don't listen to him! He's drunk on cheese!

J.D.: Heaven's a diner?
Mrs. Tanner: Get anything you want, dear.
J.D.: Oh... maybe I'll have flapjacks.
Elaine: They don't have those.
J.D.: No flapjacks in heaven? Are flapjacks evil? Ehr... don't worry about it. Listen, dead people... do any of you fell that I may have, you know... killed you?
Mr. Bursky: No.
Mr. Simon: I mean, you weren't a great doctor...
Elaine: He was nervous.
Mrs. Tanner: Oh, like a little bird. But no, dear, you didn't kill any of us.
J.D.: [after a waitress handed him the bill] Y-You know what? I left my wallet back on Earth...

Dr. Molly Clock: Don't push me. 'Cause one of the reasons I became a therapist is I've always been able to zero in on a person's greatest insecurity.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Ohhh, I'm real scared, Molly, what'cha gonna...
Dr. Molly Clock: Eyebrows.
[walks away]
J.D.: Eyebrows. Like that's gonna make you -
[Tears stream mascara tracks down Elliot's face]
J.D.: Elliot, come on, you can't be *that* insecure.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Giant Adam's apple!
J.D.: [Trying not to be emotional] I have to go.
J.D.: [Thinking] Elliot's comment didn't bother me, because I'm proud of the body God gave me.

J.D.: Dr. Cox, I want to thank you for that "everyone's a murderer" speech. Nice scare tactic. Unfortunately, my residents have stopped eating.
Dr. Perry Cox: That wasn't a scare tactic, Portia! Eventually everyone commits a sin of omission or doesn't act quickly enough, and somebody kicks the bucket. It's really... it's really not a question of "if" - it's a question of "when."

J.D.: Mr. Daniels, some fluid has gathered near your heart, so I'm gonna schedule a periocardiocentesis and drain it with a needle.
Mr. Daniels: Someone's gonna stick a needle in my chest?
J.D.: Not just someone -- Dr. de Man.
Mr. Daniels: Who's Dr. de Man?
J.D.: Say it... say it without the "Dr."
Mr. Daniels: Who's Mr. de Man?
J.D.: No, just say the--the last name.
Mr. Daniels: Who's de Man?
J.D.: [overly excited] I'm de Man! That was awesome! That was fun doing that with you.

J.D.: So, Mrs. Carter, it turns out your fever was just a reaction to the anesthetic we gave you during your cataract surgery. I'm sending you home.
Mrs. Carter: Can I drive my trans-am?
J.D.: That's not up to me, Mrs. Carter. It's up to the police and the owner of those horses you killed.
Mrs. Carter: Ohhh, they were everywhere!
J.D.: You were on a racetrack, Mrs. Carter.