Julia Louis-Dreyfus credited as playing...
Elaine Benes
- J. Peterman: Elaine, do you have a moment? It's about your lover.
- Elaine Benes: [Faking a broken heart] Oh yes. I know all about his little performance in the break room.
- Elaine Benes: Elaine, who among us hasn't snuck into the break room to nibble on a love newton?
- Elaine Benes: Love newton?
- J. Peterman: I'm afraid the problem with Zach is more serious. He's back on the horse, Elaine. Smack. White palace. The Chinaman's nightcap.
- Elaine Benes: An addict?... Well, it just keeps getting better!
- J. Peterman: And, in a tiny way, I almost feel responsible. I'm the one who sent him to Thailand in search of low-cost whistles, filled his head with pseudoerotic tales of my own Opium excursions... plus, I gave him some phone numbers of places he could score near the hotel.
- Elaine Benes: Look, uh, Mr. Peterman, the fact is that I was planning on breaking up with Zach anyway. He was cheating on me!
- J. Peterman: Damn it, Elaine. That wasn't Zach. That was the yam-yam. Now, he is going cold turkey... And you will be at his side.
- Elaine Benes: Oh. Well, you know, I had planned to uh...
- J. Peterman: [Cutting her off] No buts, Elaine. Or I will strip you of your 'associate' status.
- [Peterman goes to leave]
- J. Peterman: Oh, P.S., the first twenty-four hours are the worst... Beeetter bring a poncho.
- Jerry Seinfeld: [as Elaine walks up, disheveled] Sleeping in the car again?
- Elaine Benes: Cocktail flu.
- Jerry Seinfeld: [Remembering] Oh, right. The big party...
- George Costanza: You, uh, didn't dance again, did you?
- Elaine Benes: No, I found a better way to humiliate myself. There was this guy, and we had a few too many...
- George Costanza: You went home with him?
- Elaine Benes: Worse. We made out at the table like our plane was going down!
- Jerry Seinfeld: [Rubbing it in] Ah, the drunken make-out. An office classic. Did you end up xeroxing anything?
- Elaine Benes: [Gives Jerry a look] Do you know how embarrassing this is to someone in my position?
- Jerry Seinfeld: What's your position?
- Elaine Benes: *I* am an *associate*.
- George Costanza: Hey, me too.
- [Waitress walks up]
- Waitress: Yeah, me too.
- Elaine Benes: Oh God. Why did I do this? Now I'm the office skank.
- George Costanza: Well, unless you tell everybody you're dating.
- Elaine Benes: Ooh... right. 'Cause if we're dating, what everyone saw was just a beautiful moment between two lovers.
- Jerry Seinfeld: As opposed to a spirited bout of Skanko-Roman wrestling.
- Elaine Benes: Ooh, bravo.
- Elaine Benes: Yeah. Now I can break up with him. He's clean, and I'm the office hero.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Seems like you're better at fake relationships than real ones.
- Elaine Benes: Yeah, huh. I even got an idea out of it: the Detox Poncho.