Jerry Seinfeld credited as playing...
Jerry Seinfeld
- George Costanza: They made me buy it... A hundred bucks this thing cost me.
- [George gestures to the book]
- George Costanza: How dare they? I got news for you, if it wasn't for the toilet, there would be no books.
- Jerry Seinfeld: [Sarcastically] Yeah. I understand Guttenberg used to spend a lot of time in there.
- George Costanza: They're selling coffee, bran muffins... you're surrounded by reading material... It's entrapment!
- Jerry Seinfeld: [Reading the cover of the book George was forced to buy] 'French Impressionist Paintings'?
- George Costanza: I find the soothing pastoral images very conduc...
- Jerry Seinfeld: [Cutting him off] Thank you very much.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Leo, I saw you in Berntano's
- Uncle Leo: Why didn't you saw "hello"?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Because you were too busy stealing a book!
- Uncle Leo: You still say "hello"!
- Helen Seinfeld: Nobody pays for everything.
- Jerry Seinfeld: You're stealing too? What are you stealing?
- Morty Seinfeld: Nothing... batteries. Well, they wear out so quick.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Mom, you too?
- Helen Seinfeld: Sometimes your father forgets, so I have to steal them.
- Cosmo Kramer: [to Newman] See, we should've gotten some collateral from him... Like his bag of cans, or... his other bag of cans.
- Newman: We gotta find that rickshaw. You check the sewers and dumpsters. I'll hit the soup kitchens, bakeries, and smorgasbords.
- [Newman and Kramer both go to leave]
- Jerry Seinfeld: To the Idiotmobile!
- Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, check this out. Remember my idea about rickshaws in New York? Well, we're gonna make it happen!
- Jerry: No, you're not.
- Cosmo Kramer: Newman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office.
- Jerry: No, he doesn't.
- Newman: He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss!
- Jerry: Yes, it can.
- Cosmo Kramer: We'll start out with one, and then when it catches on, we're gonna have a whole fleet.
- Newman: It's the romance of the Hansom Cab without the guilt or dander of the equine.
- Jerry: So, who's gonna pull this thing?
- Cosmo Kramer: [Perplexed, to Newman] . Well, I just assumed you would.
- Newman: [to Kramer] Yeah, but I thought...
- Cosmo Kramer: Di-di-di-di... No
- Jerry: My, isn't this an awkward moment.
- Cosmo Kramer: [Thinking] What about the homeless?
- Newman: Can't we worry about them later?
- Cosmo Kramer: To pull the rickshaw.
- Newman: They do have an intimate knowledge of the streets...
- Cosmo Kramer: They're always just walking around the city. Why not just strap something to them?
- Jerry: Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard all day.
- Cosmo Kramer: Oh, boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw. See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York.
- Jerry Seinfeld: [Sarcastically] Yes. The city needs more slow-moving wicker vehicles.
- [George is about to go into the bathroom. He grabs a book on his way in]
- Cosmo Kramer: Hmm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong. I should give her a call.
- Jerry Seinfeld: She's at that annual Peterman party tonight. You know the one she danced at last year?
- Cosmo Kramer: [Remembering] No, that wasn't dancing.
- Jerry Seinfeld: [Pointing] Hey, there's Leo.
- Cosmo Kramer: Oh? Who's Leo?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Uncle Leo!
- Cosmo Kramer: Oh, yeah. Right. Uncle, Leo. Forgot his first name...
- Jerry Seinfeld: [as Elaine walks up, disheveled] Sleeping in the car again?
- Elaine Benes: Cocktail flu.
- Jerry Seinfeld: [Remembering] Oh, right. The big party...
- George Costanza: You, uh, didn't dance again, did you?
- Elaine Benes: No, I found a better way to humiliate myself. There was this guy, and we had a few too many...
- George Costanza: You went home with him?
- Elaine Benes: Worse. We made out at the table like our plane was going down!
- Jerry Seinfeld: [Rubbing it in] Ah, the drunken make-out. An office classic. Did you end up xeroxing anything?
- Elaine Benes: [Gives Jerry a look] Do you know how embarrassing this is to someone in my position?
- Jerry Seinfeld: What's your position?
- Elaine Benes: *I* am an *associate*.
- George Costanza: Hey, me too.
- [Waitress walks up]
- Waitress: Yeah, me too.
- Elaine Benes: Oh God. Why did I do this? Now I'm the office skank.
- George Costanza: Well, unless you tell everybody you're dating.
- Elaine Benes: Ooh... right. 'Cause if we're dating, what everyone saw was just a beautiful moment between two lovers.
- Jerry Seinfeld: As opposed to a spirited bout of Skanko-Roman wrestling.
- Elaine Benes: Ooh, bravo.
- Elaine Benes: Yeah. Now I can break up with him. He's clean, and I'm the office hero.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Seems like you're better at fake relationships than real ones.
- Elaine Benes: Yeah, huh. I even got an idea out of it: the Detox Poncho.