Jerry Seinfeld credited as playing...
Jerry Seinfeld
- Cosmo Kramer: Don't ever question my instincts, because my instincts are honed. Look at that.
- [Kramer shows newspaper]
- Jerry Seinfeld: What now?
- [Jerry reads newspaper]
- Jerry Seinfeld: Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research. Government funds genetic research at area hospital... Yeah, so?
- Cosmo Kramer: Pigman, baby. Pigman.
- Elaine Benes: Oh, if I hear about this pigman one more time...
- Cosmo Kramer: I'm tellin ya the pigman is alive. The governments been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.
- Cosmo Kramer: Oh. Jerry wake up to reality. It's a military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
- George Costanza: I wish there were pigmen. You get a few of these pigmen walking around I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, Hey he's no pig-man!
- Jerry Seinfeld: Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for the pigmen. No matter what the deformity you'll find some group of perverts attracted to it. Ooo that little tail turns me on.
- [first lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: If you look at a hospital, the basic treatment that everybody gets is to lie in a bed. Whatever's wrong with a human being... Lie down. Doctor never says to you: "Well, your condition isn't as bad as we originally thought. We want you to kinda lean against the doorjamb for 7-10 days, see how that feels." Right? It's always a bed, unless you go to the emergency room, then it's a chair. You've been shot, you've been stabbed, you've been run over, have a seat. There's always a very interesting cultural, ethnic mix to the hospital staff, isnt' it? It's like a local luge team in there. The doctor's like the anchor man. He's got the white hair. He's in charge. The nurse is like the feature reporter, you know. You listen to her, but it's always, "and now, back to your doctor." You know, when the orderlies come in with the food and the bed pans, and that's like your sports and weather.
- Jerry Seinfeld: I don't see any pig-men I see human, human, human... Wait a second.
- Cosmo Kramer: What?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, it's George.
- [last lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: To me what's really amazing, that for every job that there is in the world, there's someone willing to do it. Someone goes: "Yes, I will stand in the tunnel breathing exhaust fumes, watching the cars go by, making sure everything's okay." Someone goes: "Yes, I will work behind the elephant with the big shovel. I will do it." Doctors go: "Yes, I will confine myself to one particularly objectionable part of the human body all day, every day. I will do it." I think a lot of people that are unemployed are not really unable to find work, they're just easily disgusted. "Yes, I'm starving and my family has no clothing or shelter, but I'm not cleaning that up."