Jerry Seinfeld credited as playing...
Jerry Seinfeld
- Jerry Seinfeld: [Watching Babu's restaurant with binoculars] He's serving Mexican, Italian, Chinese. He's all over the place. That's why no one's going in.
- Elaine Benes: Why do you keep watching?
- Jerry Seinfeld: I don't know, I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for survival. And even though ya know he's not going to make it, you kind of root for him for a second.
- Elaine Benes: And then you flush.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Well, it's a spider.
- [first lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: There's, like, always one location in your neighborhood, one store location that's constantly changing hands. Everybody has this in their neighborhood. It's a leather store, then it's a yogurt shop, then it's a pet supply. It's, like, constantly changing. Nobody can do business there. It's like some sort of Bermuda Triangle of retail, you know? Stores open up, and then they just disappear without a trace. Nobody knows what happened to them. I guess eventually when, like, aliens land in the mother-ship from Close Encounters, the bottom will slowly open, and all these store owners will come wandering out in a daze, going, "I thought there was gonna be more walk-in traffic, didn't you?"
- Jerry Seinfeld: [thinking] Very kind. I am a kind man. Who else would do something like this? Nobody. Nobody thinks about people like I do.
- Jerry Seinfeld: All right, snap out of it you stupid jerk. You're eating a turkey sandwich. What do want, a Nobel prize?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Babu? Babu?
- [waves Babu to come to table]
- Jerry Seinfeld: Babu... you know, I got to tell you, I never do this, but the shrimp, it's just that it's a little stringy. You have any chicken?
- Babu Bhatt: The shrimp is stringy?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Well, maybe your refrige...
- Babu Bhatt: QUIET! You shut up! You make me change restaurant, but nobody come! You say, "make Pakistani", Babu Bhatt have only Pakistani restaurant. But where are people? You see people? Show me people! There ARE no people!
- Jerry Seinfeld: You know, I think I'll just take the check.
- Babu Bhatt: You bad man! You very very bad man!
- [leaves]
- Jerry Seinfeld: [Thinking] Bad man? Could my mother have been wrong?
- [last lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: It's tough to do a good deed. Let's look at your professional good deed doers, your Lone Rangers, your Supermen, your Batmen, your Spidermen, your Elasticmen. They're all wearing disguises, masks over their faces, secret identities. Don't want people to know who they are. Too much aggravation. Superman, yeah, thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall? I'm renting here. They got a security deposit. What am I supposed to do?