Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld

The Contest

Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld: It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man, we have to do it, it's part of our lifestyle. It's like shaving.
Elaine Benes: Oh, that is such baloney! I shave my legs.
Cosmo Kramer: [while eating] Not everyday.

Elaine Benes: [Realizes Jerry and George aren't paying attention] So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Still staring at the woman] Uh-huh.
George Costanza: Have a good time.

Jerry Seinfeld: So the nurse was giving her a sponge bath?
George Costanza: Every night at six-thirty. The nurse was gorgeous... then I got a look at the patient...
[laughs, then snorts]
George Costanza: I was going nuts.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, man. Well, I guess you'll be going back to that hospital.
George Costanza: [Fake sympathy] Well, my mother, Jerry...

Jerry Seinfeld: [Jerry is singing along to Tiny Toons on Nickelodeon to take his mind off of sex] The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round.
Kramer: [Kramer sings along] The woman across the block has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on.

George Costanza: I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling or zip up.
Jerry Seinfeld: What did you do?
George Costanza: I zipped up.

Elaine Benes: What are you looking at?
Jerry Seinfeld: There's a naked woman across the street.
Elaine Benes: [laughs] This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life.

[first lines]
Jerry Seinfeld: You don't want to visualize your parents having sex. You know what I mean? It's somehow a very uncomfortable thing. You know, in your mind that they had to have sex at least once to have you. But you still kind of maintain the image in your head of, "Well, I don't know. I'm not positive. I can't prove it. I don't know if that actually happened." That's why I think if I found I was adopted, that would really come as great news. I'm adopted? That's great! I'd be happy to hear that. That means, technically, it's possible that my mother and my father are really just really great friends. I mean, sex is great, but you don't want to think your whole life began because somebody maybe had a little too much wine with dinner.

[last lines]
Jerry Seinfeld: Men want to see women naked. Whatever it is that you won't show us, that's what we're obsessed with seeing. I mean, if women always wore hats in public, all the time, you'd see men buying Playhead magazine. You know... Skulls of the Big 10. This would be the only thing that what we're interested in. Let's start worrying about these cultures, like in National Geographic, where everybody's naked? You know, you see all these peop... What are the men in these cultures trying to look at when the women walk by? How could you have a strip club in a place like that? Woman goes on stage, takes off the necklace, takes out the nose ring. That's it, show's over. The men are in the audience going, "Boy, did you see that little indentation there in the top of her lip? I told you, man, this place is hot!"

George Costanza: Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Jerry Seinfeld: Date with Marla.
George Costanza: Oh, the virgin?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah.
George Costanza: Any progress there? What's the latest?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well I got my troops amassed along the border. I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.