Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld

The Smelly Car

Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld: Do you smell something?
Elaine Benes: Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of course I smell something.

Jerry Seinfeld: So this morning, I go down to the garage and check the car out. I figured by this time, the odor molecules have had at least 12 hours to de-smellify. I opened the car door... like a punch in the face, the stench hits me. It's almost as if it had gained strength throughout the night.

Elaine Benes: Let me ask you something. Um, when you're with a guy and he tells you he has to get up early, what does that mean?
Jerry Seinfeld: It means he's lying.

Jerry Seinfeld: This isn't just an odor, you need a priest to get rid of this thing.

Jerry Seinfeld: When somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it.

[first lines]
Jerry Seinfeld: Whenever you ask for the doggy bag in a restaurant, there's a certain sense of failure there, isn't it? People always whisper it to the waiter, "Uh, excuse me, uh... I'm sorry, you're gonna have to give me the doggy bag. I... I couldn't make it." And it is embarrassing, because a doggy bag means either you were out at a restaurant when you're not hungry, or you've chosen the stupidest possible way to get dog food that there is. How about the doggy bag on a date? That's a good move for a guy, huh? Let me tell you something. If you're a guy, and you ask for the doggy bag on a date, you might as well have them just wrap up your genitals too. You're not gonna be needing those for a while, either.

[last lines]
Jerry Seinfeld: Why do we need BO? What is the function of it? Everything in nature has a reason, has a purpose, except BO. Doesn't make any sense. Do something good, hard work, exercise, smell very bad. This is the way the human being is designed. You move, you stink. Why can't our bodies help us? Why can't sweat smell good? It'd be a different world, wouldn't it? Instead of putting your laundry in the hamper, you put it in a vase. Go down to the drug store, pick up some odorant and perspirant. Probably have a dirty sweat sock hanging from the rear-view mirror of your car. And then, on a really special night, maybe a little underwear coming out of your breast pocket. Just to show her that she's important.