Jerry Seinfeld credited as playing...
Jerry Seinfeld
- Jerry Seinfeld: You faked with me?
- Elaine Benes: Yeah.
- Jerry Seinfeld: No.
- Elaine Benes: Yeah.
- Jerry Seinfeld: You faked it?
- Elaine Benes: I faked it.
- Jerry Seinfeld: The whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?
- Elaine Benes: Not bad, huh?
- Jerry Seinfeld: What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?
- Elaine Benes: Fake, fake, fake, fake.
- [first lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: How about that seedless watermelon? What an invention! Scientists are working on this. I mean, other scientists devote their lives to fighting cancer, AIDS, heart disease. These guys go, "No, I'm focusing on melon. Oh, sure, thousands of people are dying needlessly, but this, ptooey. That's gotta stop. You ever try and pick a wet one up off the floor? It's almost impossible. I'm devoting my life to that." So I guess if they can get rid of the seeds, the rind is going next. What do we need that for? Get rid of the rind. They're not gonna stop until they're making in-the-ground, ready-to-eat fruit cups growing right out of the ground.
- George Costanza: You faked?
- Elaine Benes: On occasion.
- Jerry Seinfeld: And the guy never knows?
- Elaine Benes: No.
- Jerry Seinfeld: How can he not know that?
- Elaine Benes: Because I was gooood.
- [last lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: The female orgasm is kind of like the Batcave. Very few people know where it is, and, uh, if you're lucky enough to see it, you probably don't know how you got there, and you can't find your way back after you leave. There are two types of female orgasm: the real and the fake. And, uh, I'll tell you right now, as a man, we don't know. We do not know, because to men, sex is like a car accident, and determining the female orgasm is like being asked, "What did you see after the car went out of control?" "Uh, I heard a lot of screeching sounds. I remember I was facin' the wrong way at one point. And in the end, my body was thrown clear."
- Jerry Seinfeld: Oh what. you're upset?
- Elaine Benes: Yes, I'm upset. Can't you tell?
- Jerry Seinfeld: No I can't. Maybe you're faking.
- Kramer: [after being banned from Joe's fruit stand] Jerry, what am I gonna do for fruit?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Well, you'll have to go to the supermarket.
- Kramer: The supermarket? That's impossible. They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket! The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry, I don't know what's going on with the papayas!