Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld

The Marine Biologist

Jerry Seinfeld

[last lines]
George: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell you, he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
[George dramatically reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
Kramer: [somewhat embarrassed] ... What is that, a Titleist?
[George nods]
Kramer: A hole in one, huh?
Jerry: Well, the crowd most have gone wild!
George: Oh, yes they did, Jerry - they were all over me. It was like Rocky 1. Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me, and kissed me. We both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so beautiful. It was at that moment I decided to tell her I was not a marine biologist!
Jerry: Wow! What'd she say?
George: She told me to go to hell, and I took the bus home.

Kramer: [Kramer bursts into Jerry's apartment; excitedly] WHO WANTS TO HAVE SOME FUN?
Jerry: [calmly] I do.
George: I do.
Kramer: Are you just saying you want to have fun, do you REALLY WANT TO HAVE FUN?
Jerry: I really want to have fun.
George: I'm just sayin' I wanna have some fun.

Jerry Seinfeld: He's working on lowering the cholesterol level in whales. All that blubber, quite unhealthy. You know, it's the largest mammal on Earth, but as George says, they don't have to be.

Jerry Seinfeld: Now, I should tell you that at this point, she's under the impression that you're a...
George Costanza: a what?
Jerry Seinfeld: A marine biologist.
George Costanza: A marine biologist?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes.
George Costanza: Why am I a marine biologist?
Jerry Seinfeld: I may have mentioned it.

Jerry: [after Elaine mentions Tolstoy] Hey, you know what? I read the most unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the other day. Did you know the original title for "War and Peace" was "War - What Is It Good For?"
Elaine Benes: Ha, ha.
Jerry: No, no. I'm not kidding, Elaine. It's true. His mistress didn't like the title and insisted him change it to "War and Peace".
Elaine Benes: But it's a line from that song.
Jerry: That's were they got it from.
Elaine Benes: Really?
Jerry: I'm not joking.

Jerry Seinfeld: She asked for your number. I think she's gonna get in touch with you.
George Costanza: I'm telling you right now, if you're kidding around, I'm not gonna be able to be your friend any more.

[first lines]
Jerry Seinfeld: I love these nature shows. I watch any kind of nature show. It's amazing how you can always relate to what they're talking about. You're watching the African dung beetle. You're going, "Boy, his life is a lot like mine." You always root for whichever animal's the star of the show that week. Like if it's the antelope, and a lion's chasing the antelope, you go, "Run, antelope, run! Use your speed! Get away!" The next week it's the lion, and then you go, "Get the antelope! Eat him! Bite his ass! Trap him! Don't let him use his speed!"

Jerry: [opening scene: In Jerry's apartment, Jerry is at the table and Elaine is on the phone] Elaine, see these t-shirts? Six years I've had this t-shirt. It's my best one. I call it... Golden Boy.
Elaine Benes: I'm on the phone here.
Jerry: Golden Boy is always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry. Here - touch Golden Boy!
Elaine Benes: No, thanks.
[to the phone]
Elaine Benes: Yeah, yeah - I'll hold.
Jerry: But, see - look at the collar. See, it's fraying; Golden Boy is slowly dying. Each wash brings him one step closer. That's what makes the t-shirt such a tragic figure.
Elaine Benes: Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak in the sink with some Woolite?
Jerry: No! The reason he's iron man is because he goes out there and plays every game. Wash! Spin! Rinse! Spin! You take that away from him, you break his spirit!

Elaine Benes: [Closing scene as they leave the restaurant] Are you in a bad mood?
Jerry: No, I just got my laundry back.
Elaine Benes: Ohhh. Golden Boy?
Jerry: He didn't make it.
Elaine Benes: I'm sorry.
Jerry: This is Golden Boy's son, Baby Blue.
[Elaine rolls her eyes]