Jerry Seinfeld credited as playing...
Jerry Seinfeld
- Jerry: I love saying "my wife," once I started saying it, I couldn't stop: "my wife this, my wife that." It's an amazing way to begin a sentence.
- Cosmo Kramer: "My wife has an inner-ear infection."
- Jerry: See?
- Cosmo Kramer: I like that.
- [first lines]
- Jerry: Of the places you go all the time, the dry cleaning relationship is the most bizarre. You give each other the same thing over and over again. He gives it to you. You give it to him. He gives it back to you. It's like it's half his shirt, in a way. He has it as much as you do. You ought to go shopping with him. "What do you think of this shirt? That would look good with a light starch." The only warning label people respect is "dry-clean only." Speed limits, lung cancer, cigarette warnings... Your very life is at stake. People go, "Ah, the hell with it! But dry-clean only? Don't put that in the wash! It's dry-clean only! Are you crazy?"
- [last lines]
- Jerry: To me, the thing about marriage is, I can't believe how often it happens. I mean, I like the idea of it, but I can't believe that many people are meeting people that they wanna see every single day, every day, every day, every day, every day? That should happen, like, three or four times in the whole century. Like any major investment, you sign a marriage contract. Here's your person. If you're a man, the bride's family pays for the wedding. That's like getting cash back. Till death do us part. That's the extended warranty program. And you give her the ring. That's the keys. You slide it on, start him up. But you gotta try and make it work, because remember: Your value drops twenty percent the minute you drive each other off the lot.
- Helen: Jerry, we just heard, what's going on?
- Morty: Why the hell didn't you tell us?
- Jerry: Listen, Ma...
- Meryl: [looking through the drawer] It was in here yesterday!
- Jerry: [angrily] Yeah, that's what I said!
- Helen: Who is she? When did this happen?
- Morty: I told her you'd get married. She thought you'd never do it.
- Helen: Morty, you're talking too loud.
- Morty: I'm not talking loud!
- Helen: You're hurting my eardrum.
- Meryl: [looking for the can opener] Well, you must have done something with it!
- Jerry: [to Meryl] I'm on the phone!
- Helen: Is she there? Can we talk to her? What's her name?
- Jerry: Mom, I'm not married.
- Helen: What?
- Jerry: I'm not married!
- Morty: I knew it, I told ya!