Jerry Seinfeld credited as playing...
Jerry Seinfeld
- [Elaine and Jerry are talking on the telephone]
- Elaine Benes: Hey, so Kramer's running for president of the condo?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, it's all my father's doing. He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes - preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.
- Elaine Benes: [laughs] Who are they running against?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.
- George Costanza: What's that?
- Jerry Seinfeld: It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm going to Florida for his birthday.
- George Costanza: How much was it?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Two hundred, but I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift; he gets excited about the deal.
- George Costanza: Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Eh, I'll tell him I got it on the street; maybe it's hot - that's his favorite.
- George Costanza: I got a message from the Rosses at work today.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked with them?
- George Costanza: At the funeral, give or take.... You know, deep down, I always kinda felt that they blamed me for Susan's death.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Why? Because you picked out the poison envelopes?... That's silly.
- Helen Seinfeld: [slapping a cookie from Kramer's hand] Don't eat cookies for breakfast! I'll fix you something. How about a feta cheese omelet?
- Cosmo Kramer: Mmm, that sounds great, Mom.
- Jerry Seinfeld: You feed him, he'll never leave.
- [Jerry is in Florida; Elaine is in his apartment, talking to him on the telephone. George enters the apartment]
- George Costanza: Jerry?
- Elaine Benes: He's still down with his folks.
- George Costanza: What are you doing here?
- Jerry Seinfeld: [worriedly] Elaine? *Elaine?*
- Elaine Benes: [ignoring Jerry] I'm gettin' his mail.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, no.
- George Costanza: He asked you to get the mail?
- Elaine Benes: Mm-hmm.
- George Costanza: [George grabs the phone from Elaine] Jerry, why is Elaine getting your mail?
- Jerry Seinfeld: George, listen to me. I have a very important job for you.... I want you to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak.
- George Costanza: Well, what about the mail?
- Jerry Seinfeld: This is far more important. You *must* exercise the gaskets, George.
- George Costanza: All right, Jerry; I'll do it. See ya.
- [hangs up]
- [Elaine is apathetic about maintaining her relationship with Puddy]
- Jerry Seinfeld: Still no Puddy?
- Elaine Benes: Eh, I think his answering machine's broken, so I just gave up.
- [Jerry has heard George's end of his telephone conversation with Mrs. Ross]
- Jerry Seinfeld: House in the Hamptons?
- George Costanza: Well, you know, I've been lying about my income for a few years; I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.
- [Jerry is visiting his parents in Florida; Kramer enters]
- Cosmo Kramer: Hey, buddy. When did you get in?
- [Kramer goes straight to the refrigerator]
- Jerry Seinfeld: Kramer, what are you doing here?
- Cosmo Kramer: I told you I was retiring. I moved in next door.
- Helen Seinfeld: Mr. Cornstein died, and it's a beautiful apartment.
- Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, your folks said it was for rent, so I jumped on it.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Kramer, you can't live down here! This is where people come to die.
- [Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld look up in horror]
- Jerry Seinfeld: Not you. *Older* people.
- [Elaine can't figure out whether her new boyfriend is black. She's talking to Jerry on the telephone]
- Jerry Seinfeld: So, did you figure out Darryl's... you know?
- Elaine Benes: Nah, I've given up, so now we're going to a bunch of Spanish restaurants.... Figure that'll cover us either way.
- Jerry Seinfeld: You're a master of race relations.