Hugh Laurie credited as playing...
Dr. Gregory House
- Stacy Warner: I met Mark at a fundraiser that happened to be held at a...
- Dr. Gregory House: You met me at a strip club.
- Stacy Warner: You were the worst two dollars I've ever spent.
- Dr. James Wilson: Do you know why people are *nice* to other people?
- Dr. Gregory House: Oh, I know this one! Uh, because people are good, decent, and caring. Either that or people are cowards. If I'm mean to you, you'll be mean to me. Mutually-assured destruction.
- Dr. Robert Chase: How's an inmate on death row get his hands on heroin?
- Dr. Eric Foreman: Are you serious?
- Dr. Gregory House: Man knows prisons. When we got a yachting question, we'll come to you.
- James: You can't go in there.
- Dr. Gregory House: Who are you and why are you wearing a tie?
- James: I'm Dr. Cuddy's new assistant. Can I tell her what it's regarding?
- Dr. Gregory House: Yes. I would like to know why she gets a secretary and I don't.
- James: I'm her assistant, not her secretary. I graduated from Rutgers.
- Dr. Gregory House: Hmm. I didn't know they had a secretarial school. Well I hope you took some classes in sexual harassment law. Does the word 'ka-ching' mean anything to you? I'm going in now.
- Dr. Gregory House: Prep Clarence for surgery.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: Care to share with the class?
- Dr. Gregory House: Oh, come on. Do I have to spell it out for you? Pheochromocytoma. Actually, I'm not sure how you spell it.
- Dr. Gregory House: [House is eating lunch while sitting next to a patient in a coma] He doesn't mind... I asked.
- Dr. James Wilson: You're getting crumbs all over him!
- Dr. Gregory House: [Clarence is screaming as he's getting his MRI] There's Waldo.
- [House pushes a button so Clarence can hear him]
- Dr. Gregory House: Found it Clarence.
- Clarence: Turn it off! Turn this damn thing off!
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Chase and Foreman] Keep him in there until you guys see it too.
- [House walks away. Chase gasps and starts to point. Foreman finds it also]
- Dr. Eric Foreman: Son of a bitch.
- [Cameron has just left the room]
- Clarence: Oof. That's the finest piece I seen in ten years.
- Dr. Gregory House: I coulda hit that.
- Clarence: And you didn't?
- Dr. Gregory House: Eh.
- Clarence: Then you're the one that should be locked up.
- Stacy Warner: I had to do what I thought was right.
- Dr. Gregory House: It's the only reason anybody does anything.