Hugh Laurie credited as playing...
Dr. Gregory House
- Dr. Gregory House: [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
- Dr. Gregory House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board... certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will.
- Dr. Gregory House: [House turns to face Dr. Cuddy] That is true, isn't it?
- Dr. Gregory House: [He turns back to the crowd] But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And, no, I do not have a pain management problem. I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?
- [nobody moves]
- Dr. Gregory House: And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
- [Everybody raises their hands]
- Dr. Gregory House: Okay. Well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.
- Dr. James Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.
- Dr. Gregory House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: Men should grow up.
- Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, and dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not gonna happen.
- Dr. Gregory House: You think it's gonna come out on its own? Are we talking bigger than a breadbasket? 'Cause, actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem: it's wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop. Big stuff? You're gonna rip something, which, speaking medically, is when the fun stops.
- Jerry Morris: How did you...?
- Dr. Gregory House: We've been here for half an hour. You haven't sat down; that tells me its location. You haven't told me what it is; that tells me it's humiliating. You have a little birdie carved under your arm; that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I figure it's not hemorrhoids. I've been a doctor twenty years, you're not gonna surprise me.
- Jerry Morris: It's an MP3 player.
- [pause]
- Dr. Gregory House: Is it... is it because of the size, or the shape, or is it the pounding bass line?
- Dr. Gregory House: It was so perfect. It was beautiful.
- Dr. James Wilson: Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth.
- Dr. Gregory House: And triteness kicks us in the nuts!
- Robert Merrell: How can you treat someone without meeting them?
- Dr. Gregory House: It's easy if you don't give a crap about him.