Neil Patrick Harris credited as playing...
Barney Stinson
- Ted: So, my 9.6 - beautiful, charming, intelligent... engaged.
- Lily Aldrin: Oh, Ted. I'm so sorry.
- Ted: Yeah, it was a long shot. I told her to call me anyway if she changes her mind, but I don't know...
- Lily Aldrin: Woah, woah, woah! Let's not skip over this! Raise your hand if, earlier today, you hit on an engaged woman.
- [Both Ted and Barney raise their hands; Lily gives Barney a look]
- Barney Stinson: Come on, Lily. Don't hate the player. Hate the game.
- Lily: Oh, just play it cool. Don't Ted out about it.
- Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb?
- Barney: Oh, yeah. We do that behind your back. "Ted out:" to overthink. Also see "Ted-up." "Ted-up:" to overthink something with disastrous results. Sample sentence: Billy Tedded up when he tried...
- Ted: [Interrupting] OK, I get it. Don't worry, I'm not going to Ted anything up. Or out.
- Marshall: No, it wasn't a cockroach. It hd fur, and only mammals have fur.
- Lily: It was a cockroach.
- Marshall: Come on, Lily, the only way that that was a cockroach is if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just killed.
- Lily: [Both grimace] Oh, my God!
- [Drinks some of Barney's drink again]
- Barney Stinson: Oh, come on!
- Barney Stinson: [Mockingly] Marshall ran away from a cockroach.
- Marshall: It was a mouse!
- Barney Stinson: Oh yeah, sorry, my bad. You're a man.
- Ellen Pierce: [as Ted and Barney fill out applications for Love Solutions] All finished, gentlemen? Congratulations - you have just taken your very first step.
- Barney: [Overactingly earnest] Gosh, thanks, Ellen. I sure hope this works. I'm so done with the single life - all the games, the meaningless sex.
- Ellen Pierce: You deserve more.
- Barney: That is so true, Ellen! I really think I'm ready to stop being a me, and start being a we. Hey, is there any way I can let it be known that I love cuddling?
- Ellen Pierce: Ah, of course you can. That is so...
- Barney: It's kind of hard to talk about with Ted here, but I just want someone who's not afraid to hold me at night...
- [Fakes voice breaking]
- Barney: ... when the tears come. Ellen, can you help me find her?
- Ellen Pierce: [Dead serious] Get out.
- Barney: What?
- Ellen Pierce: I get 15 guys like you every week. Jerks who just want to meet vulnerable women, nail 'em, and never call 'em again.
- Barney: Oh, my God, people do that?
- Ellen Pierce: Do you want to do this the easy way, or the hard way?
- Barney: What's the hard way? Security roughs me up and tosses me out?
- Ellen Pierce: [laughs] No, that's the easy way. The hard way is that I stomp the crap out of you *myself*.
- [Fake lunges at Barney]
- Barney: [Gets up and runs for the door] Okay, Ted, let's go.
- Ellen Pierce: [Points at Ted] Not you. You stay.
- [Ted sits back down]
- Ellen Pierce: You're cute. You're an architect, good career. And you didn't use an obvious alias on your application, like your friend Jack Package.
- Barney: [Outside the door] It's pronounced "Pa-codge."
- Ellen Pierce: Get out of here!
- Lily: [Walking into the bar] Okay, it's back. And this time, we got a good look.
- [Takes Barney's drink and gulps it down]
- Barney: Hey! Seriously, you have to stop doing that!
- Marshall: It's bigger now. It's been feeding.
- Lily: We were just upstairs watching TV.
- [Flashes back to Marshall and Lily in the apartment; they see the creature in the corner]
- Lily: Okay, let's do this.
- [They grab a phone book and disinfectant spray, attacking the creature and springing back]
- Marshall: [Holding Lily as she squeals] Shh, shh, duh. It's okay. It's over.
- [Sees the phonebook start moving]
- Marshall: Oh, God!
- [They both run out of the apartment]
- Barney: [Back in the bar] So, did you get a good look at it?
- Lily: Yeah. It has six legs, a hard exoskeleton, like a roach.
- Marshall: *But* it had mouse-like characteristics. Grey-brown tufts of fur, a tail.
- Robin: So which is it, a cockroach or a mouse?
- Lily: [Dramatic pause] It's a cock-a-mouse.
- Robin: What?
- Lily: It's some sort of mutant combination of the two! It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know...
- Barney: Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?
- Robin: That's impossible. That simply can't happen.
- Lily: Oh, but it can.
- Marshall: And it has.
- Lily: And it's *pissed*.
- Barney: [after watching Robin's report on Love Solutions] Was that chick at the end really a client?
- Robin: Yes.
- Barney: [Turns to Ted] We're signing up.
- Ted: What?
- Barney: Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot. That's a perfect cocktail. Shake well, then sleep with.
- Ted: I'm not going to a matchmaker. That's like giving up. It's the man version of getting a cat.