Alyson Hannigan: Lily Aldrin

Matchmaker

Lily Aldrin

Ted: So, my 9.6 - beautiful, charming, intelligent... engaged.
Lily Aldrin: Oh, Ted. I'm so sorry.
Ted: Yeah, it was a long shot. I told her to call me anyway if she changes her mind, but I don't know...
Lily Aldrin: Woah, woah, woah! Let's not skip over this! Raise your hand if, earlier today, you hit on an engaged woman.
[Both Ted and Barney raise their hands; Lily gives Barney a look]
Barney Stinson: Come on, Lily. Don't hate the player. Hate the game.

Lily: Oh, just play it cool. Don't Ted out about it.
Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb?
Barney: Oh, yeah. We do that behind your back. "Ted out:" to overthink. Also see "Ted-up." "Ted-up:" to overthink something with disastrous results. Sample sentence: Billy Tedded up when he tried...
Ted: [Interrupting] OK, I get it. Don't worry, I'm not going to Ted anything up. Or out.

Marshall: No, it wasn't a cockroach. It hd fur, and only mammals have fur.
Lily: It was a cockroach.
Marshall: Come on, Lily, the only way that that was a cockroach is if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just killed.
Lily: [Both grimace] Oh, my God!
[Drinks some of Barney's drink again]
Barney Stinson: Oh, come on!

Lily: [Walking into the bar] Okay, it's back. And this time, we got a good look.
[Takes Barney's drink and gulps it down]
Barney: Hey! Seriously, you have to stop doing that!
Marshall: It's bigger now. It's been feeding.
Lily: We were just upstairs watching TV.
[Flashes back to Marshall and Lily in the apartment; they see the creature in the corner]
Lily: Okay, let's do this.
[They grab a phone book and disinfectant spray, attacking the creature and springing back]
Marshall: [Holding Lily as she squeals] Shh, shh, duh. It's okay. It's over.
[Sees the phonebook start moving]
Marshall: Oh, God!
[They both run out of the apartment]
Barney: [Back in the bar] So, did you get a good look at it?
Lily: Yeah. It has six legs, a hard exoskeleton, like a roach.
Marshall: *But* it had mouse-like characteristics. Grey-brown tufts of fur, a tail.
Robin: So which is it, a cockroach or a mouse?
Lily: [Dramatic pause] It's a cock-a-mouse.
Robin: What?
Lily: It's some sort of mutant combination of the two! It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know...
Barney: Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?
Robin: That's impossible. That simply can't happen.
Lily: Oh, but it can.
Marshall: And it has.
Lily: And it's *pissed*.

Robin: [after Marshall captures the Cock-a-mouse and throws it out the window] It can fly.
Robin, Marshall, Lily: Wow.
Marshall: Be free, mutant beast. I'll miss this private war of ours. I grew to admire your tenacious... Oh, my God, it's headed this way!
[Slams the window shut just in time for the Cock-a-mouse to smack into it]