Camryn Manheim credited as playing...
Ellen Pierce
- Ellen Pierce: [to Ted] You, I can work with. You give me three days, and I will find the woman you will marry.
- Ted: [Chuckles] Uh, no thanks. I don't need an algorithm to meet women. It's New York, you know - plenty of fish in the sea.
- Ellen Pierce: [mocking him] Plenty of fish in the sea.
- [Grabs her calculator and starts typing]
- Ellen Pierce: Yes, there's nine million people in New York, 4.5 million women. Of course, you want to meet someone roughly your own age. Let's say, plus/minus five years. So if we take into account the most recent census data, that leaves us with 482,000. But, uh, wait - 48% of those are already in relationships, then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor, and compatibility, and then you have to take out the ex-girlfriends and the relatives, and, oh, we can't forget those lesbians. And then, that leaves us with... eight women.
- Ted: That can't be right? Eight?
- [Nervously]
- Ted: Really, eight?
- Ellen Pierce: [Shows Ted her calculator] There are eight fish in that big, blue ocean, Ted. And if you feel confident that you could reel one in to your boat without me, there's the door.
- Ted: [Slight pause] Do you take credit cards?
- Ellen Pierce: Please, I promise we will find you somebody. Don't lose hope. There are new women turning 18 every day.
- Ted: [Walking into Love Solutions to see Ellen slumped in a chair with the lights off] Hi, Ellen. I think I want my money back.
- Ellen Pierce: [Despondently] I'm a failure. I'm all washed up. I tried everything, Ted. I widened the search parameters. I tweaked the program. Last night, I stood out on the street for five hours showing your photo to random pedestrians. No takers! Although this transvestite hooker said he/she would do you for half price because you look like John Cusack and his/hers favorite movie was Say anything.
- [Bursts into tears and grabs a pint of ice cream]
- Ted: Come on, Ellen. I mean, a pint of ice cream, isn't that a bit cliché?
- Ellen Pierce: It's for the bourbon.
- [takes a swig out of the container]
- Ted: This isn't hopeless. You're going to find someone for me.
- Ellen Pierce: No, I won't. You're going to die alone.
- Ted: I'm not going to die alone! Look at me - I'm bright, I'm attractive. You just got to get back out there and keep looking.
- Ellen Pierce: No, you're never going to find anybody. And every year, you're just getting older, and it's getting harder and harder!
- Ted: You're being ridiculous! I'm going to be up on that wall one of these days.
- [Points at Ellen's wall of matched up couples]
- Ellen Pierce: No, you won't!
- Ted: Yes, I will!
- Ellen Pierce: How do you know?
- Ted: I don't *know*, but I believe! Hell, if a cockroach and a mouse can find love in this crazy city, then damn it, so can I!
- Ellen Pierce: [pause] You're losing me.
- Ellen Pierce: [as Ted and Barney fill out applications for Love Solutions] All finished, gentlemen? Congratulations - you have just taken your very first step.
- Barney: [Overactingly earnest] Gosh, thanks, Ellen. I sure hope this works. I'm so done with the single life - all the games, the meaningless sex.
- Ellen Pierce: You deserve more.
- Barney: That is so true, Ellen! I really think I'm ready to stop being a me, and start being a we. Hey, is there any way I can let it be known that I love cuddling?
- Ellen Pierce: Ah, of course you can. That is so...
- Barney: It's kind of hard to talk about with Ted here, but I just want someone who's not afraid to hold me at night...
- [Fakes voice breaking]
- Barney: ... when the tears come. Ellen, can you help me find her?
- Ellen Pierce: [Dead serious] Get out.
- Barney: What?
- Ellen Pierce: I get 15 guys like you every week. Jerks who just want to meet vulnerable women, nail 'em, and never call 'em again.
- Barney: Oh, my God, people do that?
- Ellen Pierce: Do you want to do this the easy way, or the hard way?
- Barney: What's the hard way? Security roughs me up and tosses me out?
- Ellen Pierce: [laughs] No, that's the easy way. The hard way is that I stomp the crap out of you *myself*.
- [Fake lunges at Barney]
- Barney: [Gets up and runs for the door] Okay, Ted, let's go.
- Ellen Pierce: [Points at Ted] Not you. You stay.
- [Ted sits back down]
- Ellen Pierce: You're cute. You're an architect, good career. And you didn't use an obvious alias on your application, like your friend Jack Package.
- Barney: [Outside the door] It's pronounced "Pa-codge."
- Ellen Pierce: Get out of here!
- Ellen Pierce: How do I say this? This is gonna be really hard. Ted... there are absolutely no women out there for you. Phew, actually I got through that OK.
- Ted: There are no women out there for me? I thought you said there were eight!
- Ellen Pierce: I know. There are supposed to be. I don't know where they are!
- Ted: But... I'm an architect. And you said I'm cute. I'm a cute architect!
- Ellen Pierce: How do you think I feel? I have a 100% success rate. That's my hook! I could maybe find somebody for you if you were gay.
- Ted: Well, I'm not.
- Ellen Pierce: A little bi maybe?