Jason Segel credited as playing...
Marshall Eriksen
- Ted: [During their sword fight] Look, here's why I should get the place: you and Lily, you get to be married. What do I get? Right? I get to be unmarried, alone, minus two roommates, and on top of that, I have to be homeless. Does that seem fair?
- Marshall: Oh, boo-freakin'-hoo.
- Ted: What?
- Marshall: [Mocking Ted] "Woe is me. I'm not married yet. My ovaries are shrinking." Ted!
- [Seriously]
- Marshall: If you want to be married by now, you would be, but you're not. And you know why? Because you're irrationally picky, you're easily distracted, and you're utterly anhedonic.
- Ted: "Anhedonic?"
- Marshall: Anhedonic. It means you can't enjoy anything.
- Ted: The hell I can't. I'm enjoying *this*.
- Marshall: I know, this rules!
- Robin: Come on, Barney, I'm sure they've talked about who gets the apartment. You've talked about who gets the apartment, right?
- Ted: Yeah, we've talked about it.
- [Flashback to Ted and Marshall playing video games in their apartment]
- Marshall: So, when Lily and I get married, who's gonna get the apartment?
- Ted: Oh, that's a tough one. You know who I think could handle a problem like that?
- Marshall: Who?
- Ted: Future Ted and Future Marshall.
- Marshall: Totally. Let's let those guys handle it.
- Ted: [Back to Ted, Barney and Robin in bar] Damn it, Past Ted!
- Lily: A sword fight?
- Marshall, Ted: Sorry, Lily.
- Lily: On Monday, I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiancé ran me through with a frickin' broadsword!
- Marshall: Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.
- Lily: I'm sorry, is this a discussion of the *degree* to which you *stabbed* me?
- Chinese Waitress: Hi, how many?
- [Sees Lily and Robin]
- Chinese Waitress: Lily!
- Lily: Yes, you know me?
- Chinese Waitress: Yeah, from your homecoming picture! You're much prettier in person!
- Lily: Yeah, I know, the bangs were a mistake. Where's my stuff?
- Chinese Waitress: Oh, it's all in the back. We could wrap it up for you. You want it to go?
- Lily: This is *my* apartment!
- Chinese Waitress: No anymore...
- Ted: [Back at the apartment] No way. You're making this up.
- Marshall: Yeah, the building would have had to give you some kind of notice.
- Chinese Waitress: [Back at the restaurant] They sent you a notice about this.
- Lily: When?
- Chinese Waitress: Three months ago.
- [Gives Lily a bag of stuff]
- Chinese Waitress: And here's your mail, minus magazines.
- [Tosses mail in the bag]
- Marshall: [Back at the apartment] Well, still, legally; they can't just toss you out on the street. You have a lease.
- Lily: [Back at the restaurant] Okay, so I didn't have a *written* lease, as such, but-but go ask my landlady, Mrs. Conroy.
- [Turns to Robin]
- Lily: She may be 98 years old, but she's still...
- [Realizes]
- Lily: She's dead, isn't she?
- Chinese Waitress: Never even saw the bus.
- Lily: OK, a toast.
- [Everyone lifts their cup]
- Lily: Life is full of changes. One day you have an apartment, the next day it's a house of dumplings. But the important stuff doesn't change. So, to the important stuff.
- Barney, Robin, Marshall, Ted: Here here. Cheers
- [Everyone clinks glasses]
- Barney: To the Lemon Law!
- [No raises a glass with Barney]
- Barney: Self-clink!
- [Barney toasts himself with another glass]
- Robin: [At the hospital after Lily was stabbed] Is she OK?
- Marshall: They're just patching her up. She's going to be fine.
- Barney: So get this, I was on a date with this girl, Jackie...
- [Ted, Marshall and Robin give him a look]
- Barney: What? You said she's fine. So, anyway, I was on date with this girl, Jackie...
- Barney: [Flashback to the bar] Wow, Jackie, you make a really great first impression. I have a feeling that tonight you might end up being Jackie... Ohhh.
- Jackie: [Scoffs] Yeah. I'm sorry, I'm going to have to Lemon Law you.
- [Leaves]
- Barney: [Back at the hospital] It's out there, it's a thing! The Lemon Law is a thing! Damn, I should have called it Barney's Law.