Steve Coogan credited as playing...
Alan Partridge
- Alan Partridge: What do you think was actually wrong with my book? Don't pull any punches.
- Baptist Fan: To be honest, I don't think anecdotes are your forte.
- Alan Partridge: That's fair enough. So you don't think I can tell anecdotes. Can you just pop that down for a second?
- [the fan puts his plate down]
- Alan Partridge: [aggressively grabs him by the lapels and growls at him through clenched teeth] Right, I'll tell you an anecdote! In 1975 I was catching the London train from Crewe station. It was very crowded, I found myself in a last-minute rush for the one remaining seat with a tall, good-looking man with collar-length hair, it was the seventies - buckaroo! When I sat down on the chair, I looked up and realised it was none other than Peter Purves! It was at the height of his Blue Peter fame! He said "You jammy bastard!" and quick as a flash, I replied, "Don't be blue, Peter!" Needless to say, I had the last laugh, now fuck off!
- Kate Fitzgerald: [about Alan's book] I noticed you end almost every anecdote with the phrase "Needless to say, I had the last laugh."
- Alan Partridge: Yeah, well, you could end some of your chapters with... "Needles to say... I took drugs."
- Alan Partridge: [to the radio show host, about Kate] What's her book like?
- Kate Fitzgerald: Excuse me, I really don't like being referred to as "her".
- Alan Partridge: All right, what's *his* book like? I don't know your name. Tara Peter-Frampton-Double-Barrelled-Shotgun-Kensington-On-The-Horse?
- Alan Partridge: [presenting his radio show] Traffic.
- [he plays a jingle - car horns honk]
- Alan Partridge: [recorded voice] Get out of the way, you f...
- [bleep]
- Alan Partridge: idiot! You could get a bus through there, you f...
- [bleep]
- Alan Partridge: -ing c...
- [bleep]
- Alan Partridge: -t! You stupid f...
- [double bleep]
- Alan Partridge: Let me through! Go! There's nothing there! Go!
- [Alan tries to speak over the jingle]
- Alan Partridge: We've got a traffic report. We've got a...
- [turns the volume right down on the jingle]
- Alan Partridge: I'm just going to get rid of that, that's annoying.
- Alan Partridge: Lynn, what the frig have you got on your feet?
- Lynn Benfield: Shoe covers.
- Alan Partridge: You look like you live on a ward.
- Lynn Benfield: Right, I've got some stuff for your bedroom. Have you decided which room it's going to be?
- Alan Partridge: Yes. Now, the bedroom: down the corridor, last door on the left.
- John - Builder: That's the box room, Al. I mean, that's the same size as your bedroom in the caravan.
- Alan Partridge: Is it?
- Lynn Benfield: Yeah.
- Alan Partridge: Fine. Just, you know, squeeze a double bed in there and I can open the door and just step up onto the bed.
- Lynn Benfield: Where are your clothes going to go?
- Alan Partridge: In the storage room. Just a short, naked jog across the landing.
- Lynn Benfield: What happens when you've got guests?
- Alan Partridge: [puts his hands over his crotch] Lynn, I'll cup myself. I don't mean with an actual cup.
- Carl - Builder: More like an egg cup.
- Alan Partridge: It wouldn't be an egg cup. It'd be two egg cups and a kidney dish.
- Lynn Benfield: Still annoyed about that "Bad Slags" book?
- Alan Partridge: I am, I don't know why people buy this rubbish. About these East End thugs who lend you £100 and a week later you owe them a million. I'm not exaggerating. Or you buy a car off them and find out it's two front ends welded together. Or you send it off for an MOT and you get note back saying they found some chap's ribs in the oil sump. Or you take the lid off the gear knob and find a teste.
- Alan Partridge: [Lynn is going to be baptised] How will they get you up to the font? They'll need four men to lift you.
- Lynn Benfield: No, no, it's not a font, it's a special pool that they lower you into.
- Alan Partridge: Right, and if you sink, you're a Baptist, and if you float... you're evil? It's touch and go.
- Michael: Look at that! I better you never thought that you could make toast in a microwave.
- Alan Partridge: That's not toast, Michael, that's hot, floppy bread.
- Alan Partridge: [presenting his radio show] Now, listeners, I have someone on the line who fears he may be a gay. He's married so he wishes to remain anonymous, I shall only be using his Christian name. I am talking to Domingo in Little Oakley. No, he's gone. Oh, that's a pity. Marvellous little tapas bar there.
- Alan Partridge: I'll tell you what amuses me, Michael. It really amuses me when people criticise my book just because I happen to use the phrase "Needless to say, I had the last laugh" 14 times. Because you and I know in my life, to date, I've actually had the last laugh...
- Michael: 25 times.
- Alan Partridge: 25 times, exactly.
- Alan Partridge: [looking into an industrial vat, watching unsold copies of his book being pulped] It looks like porridge! Word porridge!
- Tessa McPherson: You come from quite a privileged background.
- Kate Fitzgerald: Uh, materially privileged, yes, but, I mean, emotionally undernourished. My father was very distant.
- Alan Partridge: Was that because he lived in a different wing of your house?