Kevin James credited as playing...
Doug Heffernan
- Spence Olchin: Danny pulls pranks on me all the time. I just want to get him back, once!
- Doug Heffernan: Spence, let me break it down for you, okay? You're not a prankster... you're a victim. Accept it, and you're gonna' save yourself a lot of heartache.
- Carrie Heffernan: Doug, you aren't DRESSED yet? We're gonna be late for karaoke!
- Doug Heffernan: Do we REALLY have to go to karaoke?
- Carrie Heffernan: I went to see Jean-Claude Van Damme at the Learning Annex - you knew THAT bill was coming due.
- Doug Heffernan: [Message notification rings on his PC] And we're BACK IN BUSINESS! Ugh, it's from my MOM! "Ten Reasons Men Leave the Seat Up" - delete, DELETE!
- Doug Heffernan: I don't get it! One day she's sending me lists of our children's names - I like Caleb - then I don't hear from her...
- Deacon Palmer: Maybe she's just been busy and hasn't had the time.
- Doug Heffernan: You're a stalker, you MAKE the time!
- Doug Heffernan: [Reading his email] "Dear Doug, first you block me, then you UNBLOCK me! Nobody treats me that way - NOBODY!"
- [Email notification chimes again]
- Doug Heffernan: "Don't think you can get away from me - I'm WATCHING you!"
- [to Deacon]
- Doug Heffernan: That's right out of the crazy handbook, right?
- [Computer chimes again]
- Doug Heffernan: "By the way, I like your shirt - I'm a Mets fan, too."
- Deacon Palmer: I'm outta here!
- [Hurries to the front door]
- Doug Heffernan: Come ON, it was a LUCKY GUESS! Half the fat guys in QUEENS wear Mets shirts!