Mike Judge credited as playing...
Hank Hill • Boomhauer
- Hank Hill: I tell ya what, a youngster with a tool in both hands has no hands left to do drugs.
- Principal Moss: They'll just put the tools down if they wanna do the drugs bad enough.
- Hank Hill: Damn zero tolerance. Using a saw for a weapon makes about as much sense as using a gun to cut a two-by-four. That's how my dad built my treehouse.
- Principal Moss: [somewhat jokingly] And I don't wanna catch you two makin' out in the teacher's lounge.
- Hank Hill: [affirmatively] You won't!
- Principal Moss: Hank, I caught your boy carrying these chisels and screwdrivers and this toothy, pointy...
- Hank Hill: Keyhole saw. They're tools, Carl, you used to know that.
- Principal Moss: Well, maybe, but according to the school board's zero tolerance policy: anything that can be used as a weapon IS a weapon.
- Hank Hill: Well, that's just asinine.
- Principal Moss: Hey, my hands are tied. If I showed even a little bit of tolerance, we couldn't call it "zero tolerance". I'm sorry, Hank, but I'm gonna have to suspend your boy.
- Hank Hill: He didn't do anything wrong. I told all my students to bring tools in.
- Principal Moss: Well, that cuts down on the paperwork. I'm gonna have to suspend YOU.
- Hank Hill: You know, I remember a fella in my eighth grade shop class, pretty handy with a coping saw. Nice guy. His name was Carl Moss. Whatever happened to him?
- Principal Moss: Got married, had kids, responsibilities. Things change, Hank.
- Hank Hill: Well, one thing hasn't changed: kids need shop.
- Principal Moss: Well, who's gonna teach them?
- Hank Hill: The only man handier with a coping saw than Carl Moss.
- Principal Moss: Jack Shermer?
- Hank Hill: What? Jack was all flash. I coped circles around... me! I'll teach shop and I'll do it for free.
- Hank Hill: You know, the Carl Moss I knew would...
- Principal Moss: Give it a rest, Hank. All parents care about these days is zero tolerance, drug policies and literacy. 'Why can't Johnny read?' 'Why can't Johnny read?' God, that gets old.