Jerry Orbach credited as playing...
Detective Lennie Briscoe
- Detective Lennie Briscoe: [while Rafael Celaya is moaning in the back of the police car] From what I've been told, at least I was a happy drunk.
- Detective Ed Green: From what I've been told, I wouldn't go that far.
- Detective Lennie Briscoe: Can't say I blame his brother. I've known Rafael less than a day and I want to kill him.
- Detective Ed Green: You were cheating on your husband with Reynaldo, and Marcela was cheating on Reynaldo with somebody else. Am I getting this right?
- Patricia Botten: Happens all the time, at least around here.
- Detective Lennie Briscoe: And all this time I've been living in the wrong housing complex.
- Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: [referring to murder victim] Tox screen shows she had one drink, tops. No signs of sex.
- Detective Lennie Briscoe: Sounds like my last date.
- Detective Lennie Briscoe: [about to assist in an emergency childbirth] All right, uh, bring me some towels and boil some water.
- Detective Ed Green: Do doctors really do that?
- Detective Lennie Briscoe: George Clooney does, and that's good enough for me.
- Detective Lennie Briscoe: [referring to Rafael Celaya] Married and a Mets fan. He's a glutton for punishment.
- Detective Lennie Briscoe: Was it Cain who slept with Abel's wife, or the other way around? I forget.
- Lt. Anita Van Buren: [referring to babies] She couldn't have one of her own, so she figured she'd take someone else's?
- Detective Lennie Briscoe: Worked for Tony B.
- Detective Ed Green: Who's that?
- Detective Lennie Briscoe: Took my bike when I was 12.
- Detective Lennie Briscoe: [as he cuffs and arrests a whining suspect] You have the right to remain silent... PLEASE!
- Detective Ed Green: How do you suppose Rafael put in his eight hours at the office and had dinner with the missus at the same time?
- Detective Lennie Briscoe: If I knew, maybe I could have held onto wife number two.
- Don Perazzo's mistress: [after Don Parazzo has been run over by his wife] You know, he just leased that Cadillac for her about a month ago?
- Detective Lennie Briscoe: Turns out a Volkswagen might have been a safer bet.
- Rafael Celaya: [referring to the victim] She was an evil woman, you know? She was married to Reynaldo and she was cheating on him.
- Detective Ed Green: With you!
- Rafael Celaya: She'd cheat on him. She'd cheat on me soon enough!
- Detective Lennie Briscoe: You guys are weird, Rafael, but it's hard to believe you're that weird.
- Maitre D': [referring to the victim and her husband] She gave him a big hug.
- Detective Lennie Briscoe: No kiss?
- Maitre D': You married?
- Detective Lennie Briscoe: I've toyed with the notion.
- Detective Ed Green: [answering his cellphone, about to go home after the dealing with three murders and one kidnapping in one day] We've got a jumper!
- Detective Lennie Briscoe: I may join him.
- [cut to closing credits]
- Lt. Anita Van Buren: Speaking of the kidnapping, what's the gas station attendant say?
- Detective Lennie Briscoe: He cleaned the bathroom first thing this morning, so the message was probably written sometime today.
- Lt. Anita Van Buren: Do you believe him?
- Detective Lennie Briscoe: An Eminem CD is as much trouble as this kid wants to be in.
- Detective Lennie Briscoe: [shirt soaked, after arresting Reynaldo Celaya in a carwash] Does this say wash and wear?