Alan Alda credited as playing...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce
- [as the surgeons operate on an eight-year-old Korean girl]
- Col. Potter: Someone dropped a bomb on her village from an airplane.
- Captain Hathaway: Who did it?
- Hawkeye: He just dropped it. He didn't autograph it.
- Captain Hathaway: No, I mean was it one of theirs or one of ours?
- Col. Potter: What difference does that make?
- Captain Hathaway: A lot. It makes a lot of difference.
- Col. Potter: Not to her.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We couldn't help but notice that you came for the poker game and stayed two weeks.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Well, I just wanted a little vacation.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Sydney, Biarritz is a vacation. The Swiss Alps is a vacation. This is a fungus convention in Atlantic City.
- Captain Hathaway: [Has just come out of the operating room, shaken seeing a young girl who was wounded when her village was bombed] You put me there on purpose, didn't you?
- Hawkeye: Yep.
- Captain Hathaway: You're a real S.O.B., you know that?
- Hawkeye: Look, you seem like a decent guy, too decent to think this can be anything like a clean war.
- Captain Hathaway: From up there, it is... was. God, she's just a little baby.
- Captain Hathaway: [Chokes up] Sorry.
- Hawkeye: It's okay. 20,000 feet is a long way to come down.
- Maj. Frank Burns: [sits up on his bed after overhearing a conversation] Well, well...
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh, god, I thought that lump under his covers was dirty laundry.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: It is.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Anybody can open with a pair of tens, but only if you're wearing civilian boxer shorts.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Oh don't be ridiculous. You can't set a rule like that.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: No, it's dealer's choice.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Will you accept a civilian panty girdle?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Tens and boxer shorts!
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: That is the most absurd rule I've ever heard.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Can anybody open?
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: I'll open for 25 cents.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: See you at the game next week?
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Yes. I'll be here with $20 in my pants and 3 aces up my sleeve.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Show a little imagination. Don't make 'em all spades.