Allan Arbus credited as playing...
Maj. Sidney Freedman
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We couldn't help but notice that you came for the poker game and stayed two weeks.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Well, I just wanted a little vacation.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Sydney, Biarritz is a vacation. The Swiss Alps is a vacation. This is a fungus convention in Atlantic City.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Yeah, well, I'm going home in one piece, brother
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: You sound determined.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Well, let's just say, I've been getting some signals from my wife back home. She needs a man there. A whole man.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Signals?
- Maj. Frank Burns: Yeah, you know, hints. She's been going in for strange things.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Like what?
- Maj. Frank Burns: Well, she's not, behaving like herself, and let's just leave it at that, okay?
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Okay.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Oh, what the heck. You're a psychiatrist. I guess you've heard it all, huh?
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Well, I thought I'd heard it all.
- Maj. Frank Burns: She got together with some of her lady friends, and they went on a trip to Indianapolis or no reason.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: For no reason?
- Maj. Frank Burns: Just to look around. It cost $55. And all the sudden, she's getting mixed up in politics, stuffing envelopes for the Republican Club, and-and maybe even, uh... ringing doorbells.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Well, it sounds as though she's stepping out on her own a little.
- Maj. Frank Burns: That's what I think.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: People grow, Frank.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Yeah, well, when I go home, I want the same girl, I married.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Right.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Well, she's changing. She's becoming... sexy and provocative and... . I got a letter today with a picture of her in slacks walking away from the camera.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Frank, maybe she's just trying to find out who she is. That doesn't mean she's leaving you.
- Maj. Frank Burns: You bet she isn't, bub. I happen to believe in the sanctity of marriage, no matter how ugly or disgusting it gets. I'll kill her before I divorce her.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: I'm not suggesting either.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Oh, no, of course you're not.
- [chuckling]
- Maj. Frank Burns: I should have known better than to tell something personal to a psychiatrist.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: See you at the game next week?
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Yes. I'll be here with $20 in my pants and 3 aces up my sleeve.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Show a little imagination. Don't make 'em all spades.