Jamie Farr credited as playing...
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger
- Father Mulcahy: [singing] A chaplain in the Army has a collar on his neck. If you don't listen to him, you'll all wind up in heck.
- Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee, Mom, I wanna go home.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Oh, the surgeons in the Army, they say we're mighty bright. We work on soldiers through the day and nurses through the night.
- Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Friendships in the army, they say are mighty rare. So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare.
- Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
- Nurses: The surgeons in the army, their brains they are profound. But we'll take chopper pilots, they'll get you off the ground.
- Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: The corporals in the army, ya say we're really green. But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine.
- Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
- Klinger: Oh, some guys like the Army. I think that it's a mess. If it's so damn terrific, how come I wear a dress?
- Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: The nurses in the army, they haven't tied the knot. But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott.
- Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go. But they won't let me go. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
- Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: [the movie projector goes out, again] I blew the bulb. It's not my fault. Who do I look like, Thomas Edison?
- Hawkeye: No, you look like Mrs. Edison.
- Hawkeye: And now for the moment no one has been waiting for: the Father Mulcahy sound-alike contest.
- [Father Mulcahy passes him his hat]
- Hawkeye: [imitating Mulcahy] My word, Hawkeye, this jocularity is most unseemly.
- [tosses hat to Klinger]
- Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: [imitating Mulcahy, in squeaky voice] How can you make jokes at a time like this? Ooh.
- [passes hat to Frank Burns]
- Maj. Frank Burns: [in high voice] The post-op is collapsing and the O.R. is on fire.
- [passes hat to Margaret]
- Margaret: [in high voice] And somebody has broken into the sacramental wine.
- [tosses hat to Radar]
- Radar: Sorry, Father.
- [puts on hat; imitates Mulcahy]
- Radar: It seems that Private Simpson has come down with a case of hepatitis. He's the most *remarkable* shade of yellow.
- [tosses hat to Colonel Potter]
- Col. Sherman Potter: [in high voice] Jocularity! Jocularity!
- [tosses hat to Father Mulcahy]
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Let me just say this about all these impersonations...
- [everybody groans in protest]
- Hawkeye: That's definitely the Mills Brothers.