Larry Linville credited as playing...
Maj. Frank Burns
- Hawkeye: And now for the moment no one has been waiting for: the Father Mulcahy sound-alike contest.
- [Father Mulcahy passes him his hat]
- Hawkeye: [imitating Mulcahy] My word, Hawkeye, this jocularity is most unseemly.
- [tosses hat to Klinger]
- Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: [imitating Mulcahy, in squeaky voice] How can you make jokes at a time like this? Ooh.
- [passes hat to Frank Burns]
- Maj. Frank Burns: [in high voice] The post-op is collapsing and the O.R. is on fire.
- [passes hat to Margaret]
- Margaret: [in high voice] And somebody has broken into the sacramental wine.
- [tosses hat to Radar]
- Radar: Sorry, Father.
- [puts on hat; imitates Mulcahy]
- Radar: It seems that Private Simpson has come down with a case of hepatitis. He's the most *remarkable* shade of yellow.
- [tosses hat to Colonel Potter]
- Col. Sherman Potter: [in high voice] Jocularity! Jocularity!
- [tosses hat to Father Mulcahy]
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Let me just say this about all these impersonations...
- [everybody groans in protest]
- Hawkeye: That's definitely the Mills Brothers.
- Col. Potter: What's the problem now, Burns?
- Frank Burns: Well sir, I'm the garbage officer
- Col. Potter: We all know that.
- Frank Burns: And there's been a tremendous waste of food, especially rutabaga, lima beans and liver.
- Col. Potter: Is that a surprise to you?
- Frank Burns: What if the enemy got ahold of this?
- Col. Potter: We'd win the war.
- Hawkeye: Frank, let me use your pen.
- Frank Burns: No.
- Hawkeye: Come on, Frank!
- Frank Burns: N-O! No.
- Hawkeye: Why not?
- Frank Burns: Because it's used to the way I write.
- Hawkeye: It's used to: stupid
- Maj. Frank Burns: Gee whiz, that's terrific. I haven't seen a good movie in ages.
- Hawkeye: Frank, don't be childish. It's only a movie.
- [Frank walks away]
- Hawkeye: Oh, boy! Oh, boy! A movie! Hee, hee, hee! I'm so excited, I could plotz!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Frank, go make yourself useful.
- Maj. Frank Burns: I'm a supervisor. I don't have to be useful.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, you're doing a great job.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Oh, go stuff a goose.
- Frank Burns: [singing] Oh Hawkeye and oh B.J., they think they're pretty smart. I'd like to take a scalpel and stab them in the heart.
- [Chuckles]
- Frank Burns: This is fun.
- Frank Burns: Penobscott, what a stupid name! And you're gonna be Margaret Penobscott. I'd like you to meet the Penobscotts: Donald Penobscott, Margaret Penobscott, and all the little Penobscotts - Huey, Dewey and Louie Penobscott! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Frank.
- Frank Burns: Huh?
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I'm gonna count to three, and if you're still here, I'm gonna snap off your epaulets.