David Ogden Stiers credited as playing...
Maj. Charles Winchester
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Do you, Chuck Emerson Winchester III, take this lovely, if gullible, young woman as your unlawful unwedded unwife?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: I undo.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: And do you, Donna Marie Parker Winchester III, take this pickled amnesiac as your unlawful unwedded unhubby?
- Donna Marie Parker: I undo, too.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Then by the power invested in me by the state of intoxication, I pronounce you man and woman. You may now ignore the bride!
- Shaw: You got it too, Doc?
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: No, my pain, regret - regrettably, is self-inflicted.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Not a pretty sight, is it? Poor devil's the victim of bottle fatigue.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Got it during an entire night of hand-to-glass combat.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: I would like to tell you exactly what happened last night in Tokyo, but I haven't the faintest idea.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You wouldn't mind answering an extremely personal question?
- Donna Marie Parker: Of course not.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: What is your name?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: I distinctly remember attempting to swim the Charles River in cap and gown reasoning that since it was named after me, it was my river.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Charles is asleep in bed] Major Winchester. Major Winchester!
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Huh?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: I had to wake you, sir. This is really important.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Klinger, unless my pants are on fire, you are a dead man.