Mike Farrell: Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt

Preventative Medicine

Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt

[Hawkeye comes back to The Swamp, having removed Lacy's appendix]
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: So...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: It was pink and perfect and I tossed it in the scrap bucket. At least he won't be sending us any customers for a while.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Uh huh. Radar was just in here. In about ten minutes they're sending us a batch of wounded.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Ten minutes?
P.A. Announcer: Attention. Attention. All Personnel.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Time flies.
P.A. Announcer: Sorry folks, triage in the compound. Looks kinda heavy.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: You treated a symptom, the disease goes merrily on.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: What the hell do you think you're doing?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I'm taking out that guy's appendix in there. You gonna get into your whites or what?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: You're talking about removing a healthy organ.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: No, I figure his appendix is about as sick as his mind.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Doctors aren't supposed to take bodies apart. They're supposed to put them together.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Why? So guys like that can take them apart again? You heard him. He's gonna take those kids up that hill tomorrow and send them back to us in pieces.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: That man is crazy. That doesn't make this right. Some things are wrong, and they're always wrong.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Fine. It's wrong. But there are gonna be a hundred boys still alive tomorrow. Go tell them how wrong it is.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Damn it! Why don't you just stab him? Cutting into a healthy body is mutilation!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [chuckles] Don't give me that. There aren't doctors back home who do unnecessary operations? You never heard of that? And for what? For a few bucks.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: All right. Suppose you get him relieved of his command. What about the guy they send to replace him?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: He's gonna better than this guy. He's gotta be.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: You don't know that for sure, do you?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: So I'll take them one at a time! What have I got to lose?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Just your self-respect, that's all! You're a doctor of medicine. You cut into a healthy body, and you're gonna hate yourself for the rest of your life.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I hate myself right now! I hate me, and I hate you, and I hate this whole life here. And if I can keep that maniac off the line by a simple appendectomy, I'll be able to hate myself with a clear conscience.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: [treating a patient who's coding] No pulse.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Get out of the way. I'm gonna beat the daylights into him.

Colonel Lacy: You know, we're really not so far apart.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Right. Opposite sides of the same fence.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: No, he's got a point. We're all in the same business. As surgeons, we'll sacrifice some tissue in order to save the whole body. You'll sacrifice a few men in order to, uh... to, uh... What is it you get out of that again?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: A hill. You know, a rock.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Oh, yeah, right. See? We're practically the same.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Have you ever had your appendix out?
Colonel Lacy: No.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Appendix?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Yeah, acute appendicitis. That could keep you out for a week or two.
Colonel Lacy: Two weeks? They'll take me off the line. I'll--
[groan]
Colonel Lacy: --lose my battalion.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Definitely your appendix.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Wait a minute. You want to open him up and take out his appendix?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Well, I could reach down his throat and get it, but that would be another two weeks.