Jamie Farr credited as playing...
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: [watching Hawkeye and Sidney play basketball without a basketball] Is it any wonder I can't get a section 8? In this outfit, you wanna be crazy you gotta stand in line.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: [after they put Hawkeye to bed] Come on, Stinky.
- Radar: [Angry] I knew it. I knew it.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: How can you be sure you paid him?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Because I always pay my debts. Except for "Nudist Quarterly". I ordered that in Frank's name. But the point is, I was calling 11,000 miles to try to save his life, and all he could do is gripe about 37 lousy dollars.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: What's 11,000 miles got to do with anything? People always talk about long-distance phone calls like they had to walk all the way.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Do you think it's gonna work?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Come again?
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Is Freedman buying it?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: "It"?
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: The shtick, the routine. Listen, I've been kicking myself for not coming up with it on my own. It's beautiful. A little basketball, a little marbles, a little blood-curdling scream in the dead of night. I doff my chapeau. It's subtle. It's artistic. And best of all, you don't have to worry about the fickle whims of fashion.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: True, Klinger. But then, I'll never know the rapture of the warm lingering looks that follow you constantly.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I suppose. It is an act, isn't it?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [imitating Napoleon] Mais oui, Josephine. I'm as sane as you.