Alan Alda credited as playing...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce
- [both drunk, under fire, in a foxhole]
- Col. Potter: I said fire that weapon.
- Hawkeye: All right.
- [to the gun]
- Hawkeye: You're fired.
- [to Potter]
- Hawkeye: I did it as gently as I could.
- Col. Potter: That was an order, Pierce.
- Hawkeye: [Snapping his fingers] Oh waiter, would you take this man's order, please?
- Hawkeye: I believe my life is about to pass before my eyes.
- Col. Potter: Let me know when it does. I love a parade.
- Hawkeye: Even short ones?
- [after an exhausting shift in the OR]
- Hawkeye: [sighing] How long we been at this?
- Col. Potter: I started surgery in 1932.
- Hawkeye: I mean, this session.
- Col. Potter: So do I.
- Hawkeye: Maybe we should charge them piecework.
- Col. Potter: We can't. This is war.
- [yawning]
- Col. Potter: By the way, which war is this?
- Hawkeye: The latest war to end all wars.
- Col. Potter: Where's your gun?
- Hawkeye: Sulking under my cot. We're not at speaking terms.
- Col. Potter: Go kiss it and make up. You're taking it with you.
- Hawkeye: Colonel, if I touch that gun, I'll just trigger another argument.
- Col. Potter: Pierce, You're taking along your sidearm.
- Hawkeye: [Holding up each arm in turn] Correct, I'm taking along my right side arm and my left side arm.
- B.J.: You need an enemy before you can surrender, Hawkeye. Didn't they teach you that in basic training?
- [B.J. hands a firearm to Hawkeye]
- B.J.: Your artillery, pard.
- Col. Potter: Is it loaded?
- B.J.: Filled it with water myself, Colonel.
- Hawkeye: Watch out everybody, I shoot to drown.
- Hawkeye: If I said the word "sleep" three times to you, I'd put you right under.
- Col. Potter: Not a chance.
- Hawkeye: Oh yeah? Watch this. Sleep. Sleep. Sleeeeeeep.
- [Hawkeye falls asleep]
- Col. Potter: If Frank Burns makes any more patronizing cracks about my age, I'll take him behind the motor pool and let the air out of his tires.
- Hawkeye: He didn't mean anything by it, Colonel. He was only trying to insult you.
- Col. Potter: [speaking to American troops] Don't shoot! Don't shoot! We're one of you!
- Hawkeye: Yeah. Betty Grable. Apple pie.
- Col. Potter: Clara Bow!
- Hawkeye: Clara Bow? Frank's right; you are old.
- Sergeant: You medics?
- Col. Potter: Surgeons with a MASH unit.
- Sergeant: What are you doing up here?
- Hawkeye: Looking for broads.
- Col. Potter: For God's sake, man, defend yourself. Don't think of it as a gun. Think of it as a great little noisemaker. The loudest cap pistol in Korea. Just shoot it and scare the living hell out of them.
- Hawkeye: That, I can do.
- Hawkeye: All right, everybody, I start shooting at the count of three.
- Hawkeye: [shouting] Out of the way!
- [shoots]
- Hawkeye: Look out!
- [shoots]
- Hawkeye: Out of the way!
- [shoots]
- Hawkeye: Behind the tree!
- [shoots]
- Hawkeye: Take cover!
- [shoots]
- Hawkeye: Look out!
- Hawkeye: There. I used up all my bullets. Now can I go home?
- Col. Potter: You're a crazier soldier than a surgeon.
- Hawkeye: Thank you.
- Klinger: [Klinger enters Potter's office dressed as a gypsy] Colonel, I've got to talk to you right away!
- Col. Potter: Klinger, go put on a dress.
- Klinger: Pardon me, sir,did you call me "Klinger"?
- Col. Potter: If you aren't Klinger, who the Sam Hill are you?
- Hawkeye: Sam Hill, maybe.
- Hawkeye: Listen, you wanna finish a great dream for me?
- Col. Potter: If I can't come up with one of my own.
- Hawkeye: I was in a candle-lit room, soft music in the background, soft girl in the foreground...
- Col. Potter: Stop right there. I'm a married man.
- Hawkeye: Well, can you at least buy her a drink till I get back?
- Col. Potter: Sure.
- M.P.: Two miles dead ahead.
- Hawkeye: Can you make that straight ahead?
- M.P.: You better turn back, sir. This area isn't secure.
- Hawkeye: Neither are we. We're a mass of insecurity.
- Col. Potter: Lot of people bleeding to death up there, Sergeant. Captain Pierce and I are surgeons. We're going in.
- M.P.: Going in isn't a problem, Colonel. Getting out is.
- Hawkeye: Sounds like marriage.
- Hawkeye: Nurse?
- Nurse Able: Yes, Doctor?
- Hawkeye: Scratch, please. Left infrascapula.
- [nurse scratches his back]
- Hawkeye: Ah, bullseye.
- B.J.: Lucky shot.
- Nurse Able: Lucky shot, nothing. I know my anatomy.
- Hawkeye: I wish I knew your anatomy like you know your anatomy.
- Hawkeye: What are you shooting for?
- Col. Potter: That's the way this game is played. They shoot at us, we shoot at them. The last one to shoot wins. Here, it's your turn.
- Hawkeye: Oh no no no no no. The reason they're shooting is that they're angry. If I shoot back, they'll just get angrier.