Larry Linville credited as playing...
Maj. Frank Burns
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: You guys have got no sense of humor. All you know how to do is pick, pick, pick. Is there anything I can do to please you?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Tap dance in the minefield.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Radar enters the swamp] What are you doing in here?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: I come to find someone smart to help me with my studies.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Well, don't look at me!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: We're not really that mad at each other, Radar. Are we?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Nah. We're just play acting.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: We just wanted to give Frank a birthday present.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: We wanted to make him happy.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: We were fighting to entertain you, Frank.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: And it was wonderful! I loved it!