Mike Farrell credited as playing...
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt
- Colonel Flagg: You were insanely jealous of her engagement. You were furious at being rejected. You were capable of murder!
- Hawkeye: That's right! So you hit her over the head with a blunt instrument.
- B.J.: A saxophone.
- Hawkeye: Then you hypnotized her and told her she was Johnny Ray.
- B.J.: Then you performed plastic surgery on her, made her look like Johnny.
- Hawkeye: The rest is obvious. You stuck her in a trunk, you mailed her to Las Vegas, and now she's doing two shows a night at The Sands.
- B.J.: Three on Saturdays.
- Colonel Flagg: There's only one flaw in that theory.
- Hawkeye: Only one?
- Colonel Flagg: They don't do three shows a night on Saturday at The Sands.
- Hawkeye: How do you know?
- Colonel Flagg: I was a showgirl for six weeks.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I've been sitting here a long time and now I'd like to say something.
- Colonel Flagg: What is it?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Good bye.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What happened?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Hopalong Ferret Face just shot me in the leg!
- Colonel Flagg: I have no home. I am the wind.
- Hawkeye: [to BJ] I told you he was the wind. You said he was the stars.
- B.J.: No, I said he was the moon.
- Colonel Flagg: If you don't close your eyes, I won't leave.
- [everyone closes and covers their eyes]
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Bye!
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: See ya!
- Colonel Flagg: If it weren't for war you wouldn't know what peace is.
- B.J.: He's got a point there.
- Hawkeye: Yeah, it's under his hat.
- Maj. Frank Burns: I'm going out into the jungle to hunt for Margaret.
- B.J.: I understand she's game.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Don't be a smarty-pants. She's probably been abducted by Chinese heathens. They have her hanging upside down by her feet from a bamboo tree... doing unspeakable things to her.
- B.J.: Speak a few.
- Colonel Flagg: [enquiring about the bullet wound in Capt. Hunnicutt's leg] What happened to your leg?
- B.J.: Cut myself shaving.