Harry Shearer: Waylon Smithers • Montgomery Burns • Satan • ...

Bart Gets Hit by a Car

Waylon Smithers • Montgomery Burns • Satan • Dr. Hibbert • Lenny • Judge Snyder (aka Molton) • Herman

Lawyer: Your Honor, my client has instructed me to remind the court how rich and important he is, and that he is not like other men.
Mr. Burns: I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!

Lenny Leonard: Hey, Simpson, I heard Mr. Burns crushed your boy.
Homer: Yeah. If I wasn't so spineless, I'd march into Mr. Burns' office right now and...
Waylon Smithers: SIMPSON!
Homer: Aah!
[coughing]
Waylon Smithers: Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now!
Homer: Uh-oh!

[In Bart's imagination, he describes the events that led to him being hit by Burns' car; he imagines Smithers in the passenger seat with binoculars]
Waylon Smithers: Defenseless child at three o'clock!
[Burns, in the driver's seat, laughs maniacally and his hair flows wildly]

[Bart lands in Hell]
Satan: Howdy, stranger.
Bart Simpson: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Satan: Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm the devil.
[laughs]
Satan: And you've earned eternal damnation for your lifetime of evil deeds, Bart. Spitting off the escalator just clinched it.
Bart Simpson: Hey, I'm innocent, man!
Satan: [loud, long laugh] Innocent, huh? Everybody's innocent.
[continues laughing]
Satan: Okay, let's just pull up your file here.
[Satan begins using a desktop computer, humming to himself]
Satan: Hmm, seems to be a mistake. According to this, you're not due to arrive here until the next time the Yankees win the pennant. That's nearly a century from now.
[chuckles]
Satan: Boy, is my face red.
[Bart starts floating upwards]
Bart Simpson: Um, say, is there anything I can do to avoid coming back here?
Satan: Oh, sure, yeah, but uh... nah, you wouldn't like it.
Bart Simpson: Okay, see you later, then!
Satan: Good-bye, Bart! Remember... lie, cheat, steal, and listen to heavy metal music!
Bart Simpson: Yes, sir!

[Burns and Smithers have learned that Homer will sue them]
Mr. Burns: A million dollars? Smithers! I want this Homer J. Simpson fired!
Waylon Smithers: Uh, do you think that's wise, Mr. Burns? I mean, think of the headlines.
[Burns imagines the newspaper headline, "Burns Fires Ungrateful Employee" with Burns directing Homer to the steps outside the plant]
Mr. Burns: [grunts] Yeah.
[a second headline appears, reading, "Another Smart Move by Burns"]
Mr. Burns: [grunts] Yeah.
[a third headline appears, "Hooray for Burns!", with a photo of him being lifted by a crowd of people]
Mr. Burns: [impressed] Oooh!
[scene returns to reality]
Mr. Burns: [happily] What about the headlines?

[Burns is on the witness stand and is asked to give his side of the story]
Mr. Burns: Certainly.
[In Burns' imagination, it's a bright, shiny day with colorful houses and he and Smithers are driving in a cute Volkswagen Beetle]
Mr. Burns: Oh, it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining. I was driving to the orphanage to pass out toys. Suddenly, that incorrigible Simpson boy darted in front of me.
[Bart is clearly aiming to be hit by Burns' car, no matter where the old man steers. Eventually, Burns stops the car and Bart goes flying overhead and lands on the ground]
Mr. Burns: [shocked] Oh, my goodness! Look what's happened!
Waylon Smithers: Oh, it's not important, sir. Let's drive on.
Mr. Burns: Why, you despicable, cold-blooded monster.
[walks over to Bart]
Mr. Burns: Regardless of what you think, we will- we will summon help and comfort the dear boy until an ambulance arrives.
[a crowd has gathered to watch Burns cradle Bart's body]
Mr. Burns: NOOOOOOO! TAKE ME! I'M OLD!