Butters: I'm so glad you came into my life, A.W.E.S.O.M.-O. You're the best friend a guy could have.
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: [Cartman] Yes. You can trust A.W.E.S.O.M.-O. In fact, you should tell A.W.E.S.O.M.-O all your most personal secrets. A.W.E.S.O.M.-O will not make fun of you or tell your secrets to other people and stuff.
Butters: Hey yeah. I can tell you anything. Let's see, well, for one, I have what's called a "heshiated colon", which means I sometimes can't control my sphincter.
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: [snickers] Really?
Butters: Nobody knows this, but sometimes I poop my pants so I have to wear a diaper to school.
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: [stifles laughter]
Butters: You okay, A.W.E.S.O.M.-O?
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: Yes. A.W.E.S.O.M.-O is fine. Please go on.
Butters: Well, I have to take medicine for it everyday. It's this suppository I have to put up my rectum. And, oh, my parents don't know this, but sometimes I get picked on by this one kid at school. His name is Eric Cartman. And he always tries to play jokes on me and stuff. One time he made me think a meteor had hit the earth and convinced me to stay down in a bomb shelter for three days.
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: [stifles laughter] Wow. That sucks.
Butters: And then this other time, he pretended to be me on the phone to my dad and called him a pussy. So my dad came home and beat me.
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: [stifles laughter] Wow. Sounds like this Cartman kid is pretty smart.
Butters: He's not smart. He's just an asshole. And he's never gonna play a trick on me ever again.
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: Really, you don't think so? Well guess what, Butters? I have a surprise for you.
Butters: Yeah, he's never gonna get me again. Because what Cartman doesn't know is that I know one of his secrets.
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: What?
Butters: When Cartman is playing all alone in his backyard, he likes to dress up like Britney Spears and pretend he's her. He sings and dances around with a life-size cut out of Justin Timberlake. And I videptaped him doing it. I've got the whole thing on tape, even him making out with the Justin Timberlake cut-out. And if Cartman ever messes with me again, I'm gonna show that video to everybody. And then I'll have my revenge, boy-howdy.
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: Um, where is this video tape? Maybe you should give A.W.E.S.O.M.-O the video tape, well because, A.W.E.S.O.M.-O can like, back it up for you and make copies and stuff. I am A.W.E.S.O.M.-O.
Butters: That's all right, A.W.E.S.O.M.-O. Come on, I got a lot of things to teach you.
