Yeardley Smith credited as playing...
Lisa Simpson
- Lisa Simpson: Dad, remember when you said going to Itchy & Scratchy Land would be too damn expensive?
- Homer: Oh, everything's too damn expensive nowadays. Look at this Bible I bought - fifteen bucks! And talking about a preachy book! Everyone's a sinner - except for this guy.
- [points to a page in the book that presumably refers to Jesus]
- Homer: Okay, let's make a pact. This is gonna be the best vacation ever or we're all agreed to disband and join other families.
- Marge, Bart, Lisa Simpson: Agreed.
- Bart: Mom, guess what!
- Lisa Simpson: We're going to Itchy & Scratchy Land!
- Marge: No. I've already planned our vacation for this year. We're going to the Highway 9 Bird Sanctuary. I understand they've installed a new bird feeder this year.
- [Bart and Lisa stare, horrified]
- Marge: It's shaped like a diner! And it's on this really tall pole.
- [Homer and Marge are sleeping. Suddenly, Lisa bursts in, pulling a toy wagon carrying a lifeless Bart]
- Lisa Simpson: Mom, Dad! BART'S DEAD!
- [they wake up and gasp]
- Bart: [coming alive] That's right - dead serious about going to Itchy & Scratchy Land!
- [Homer and Marge groan]
- Marge: ...And remember, every morning give one bowl of Kibble to Santa's Little Helper. Do you want me to write any of this down?
- Grampa Simpson: No! I ain't senile, dad blast it!
- Marge: Okay, bye-bye!
- Homer, Bart: Bye!
- Lisa Simpson: Bye, Grampa!
- [the family drives off, leaving Grampa with Santa's Little Helper and Snowball II]
- Grampa Simpson: Wait a minute! What was that last thing you said? 'Grampa's Little Helper'... what's that?
- [meekly, to animals]
- Grampa Simpson: Which one of you is the mailman?
- [animals look awkwardly at each other]
- [Bart notices an actor in an Itchy costume capering and waving to guests]
- Bart: So, Mr. Itchy, you think you're God's gift to women, do you?
- Lisa Simpson: Don't do it, Bart.
- [Bart pulls a stink bomb from his "Li'l Bastard Traveling Kit" and slingshots it straight into "Itchy"'s mouth]
- Man in Itchy Costume: [choking in horror] I just wanted to entertain!
- [Bart laughs as he runs away]
- Bart: Can you believe I keep getting away with this...
- [a uniformed man puts a hand on his shoulder]
- Bart: uh, officer?