Charlie Sheen credited as playing...
Charlie Harper
- Alan Harper: It's not *that* kind of relationship. It's-it's-it's intellectual.
- Charlie Harper: So! Take her to a museum, enjoy the exhibits, then *do* her in the restroom!
- Alan Harper: I guess I just always thought that, that one woman was supposed to fulfill all my needs.
- Charlie Harper: Oh, that's an old wives tale, started to protect the interests of, you guessed it... *old wives*!