Charlie Day: Charlie Kelly

Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom

Charlie Kelly

Dee Reynolds: I want my job back.
Charlie Kelly: And you shall have it. Oh, Dee. It looks like we both need things from each other.
Dee Reynolds: I am not having sex with you, Charlie.
Charlie Kelly: No. It's not sex I want from you. It's sex I don't want from Dennis.

Dennis Reynolds: Okay, listen. Here's the deal. Uh, I'm gonna bang her tonight, probably around 10:30 or so. Now, I really don't wanna do that. So all you have to do to stop me is call my cell phone, by 10:30, and say "Dennis, you don't have to do Charlie Work anymore".
Charlie Kelly: You're not gonna get away with this.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh yeah, I will. I'll get away with it. 10:30, okay?
[Dennis opens door]
Dennis Reynolds: [whispers] 10:30.
Charlie Kelly: [after Dennis leaves] Gonna blackmail me? You gonna blackmail me, Dennis Reynolds?
[Charlie angrily smashes his house of cards]

Charlie Kelly: Time to move to phase 2.
Dee Reynolds: There is no phase 2. I'm not doing phase 2. I did everything you said and it's over.
Charlie Kelly: THIS ISN'T OVER UNTIL I SAY IT'S OVER!

Mac: Charlie, I have a real dilemma on my hands. Now, normally I would never talk to you about these things because you're so incredibly unreliable, but Dennis, Dee, and Frank are all directly involved in this and I gotta tell somebody man, I am bustin'! Okay... Dennis' mom tried to have sex with me!
Charlie Kelly: Interesting...
Mac: Yeah, man! She got naked, she came on to me, I mean that woman is straight crazy but I think I wanna bang her, man! I know I shouldn't do it, it's...
Charlie Kelly: I think you should do it!
Mac: ...What?
Charlie Kelly: Look, an opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime, right?
Mac: Right!
Charlie Kelly: And so you'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.
Mac: Yeah! That's what I'm thinking! But, it's Dennis and Dee's mom.
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, well that means that no one ever, ever's gonna find out.
Mac: That doesn't make any sense.
Charlie Kelly: It doesn't have to make sense.
Mac: You're right, I'm gonna do it!
[they both laugh maniacally]

Waitress: No, I'm not going to ask you inside, Dennis.
Dennis Reynolds: Why not?
Waitress: Because... I really... like you.
Dennis Reynolds: Well, yeah, I mean... I really like you, too...
Waitress: Then let's just take it slow, okay?
Dennis Reynolds: Wait, wait... Uh... I... love... you...
Waitress: ...Ha! I... I kinda don't know what to say!
Dennis Reynolds: I kinda don't want you to say anything.
[the Waitress leans in for a kiss. Dennis' phone rings]
Dennis Reynolds: Hold that thought.
[turns away, takes call]
Dennis Reynolds: Yo.
Charlie Kelly: I'm ready to talk.
Dennis Reynolds: Cuttin' it pretty close there, pal. I almost sealed the deal.
Charlie Kelly: Just meet me at Paddy's and we'll work it all out.
[hangs up, Dennis turns back to the Waitress]
Waitress: Heh, sorry about that. I feel like maybe I was being a little judgmental.
Dennis Reynolds: You're good! Haha.
Waitress: Haha, okay. Well let's go.
Dennis Reynolds: No. Uh, you were right, I sh... I'm gonna go. Yeah. I'm gonna go now, we should take it slow - you were right.
Waitress: Really? Because I... don't... need to now...
Dennis Reynolds: [starts walking away] I think it's good, I think it's real good.
Waitress: Call me!
Dennis Reynolds: Ahahahaha!