Phil Hartman credited as playing...
Troy McClure • Joey • Godfather • Lionel Hutz
- Lionel Hutz: Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I'll be famous!
- Troy McClure: I'm Troy McClure. You probably remember me from such films as: "The Revenge of Abe Lincoln" and the "Wackiest Covered Wagon in the West".
- Principal Skinner: [just as Bart is to be found guilty for allegedly murdering Principal Skinner, Skinner suddenly barges into the courtroom] I suppose you're all wondering where I've been. It all started a week ago. I was at my desk revising and updating the school dress code when
- [in flashback]
- Principal Skinner: I was suddenly confronted by a gang of toughs acting on behalf of one Bart Simpson, or so they said.
- Louie: [to Skinner] We really think there's promise in the boy.
- Principal Skinner: [rising from his desk] Get out!
- Fat Tony: Ok. Ok. You don't have to yell.
- Principal Skinner: To get my mind off that ugly confrontation I went home and began bundling my old newspapers... but suddenly the pile fell. I was trapped! Let this be a lesson to recycle frequently. For the next week I stayed alive by eating my mother's delicious preserves and maintained my sanity by dribbling a nearby basketball with my one free hand. I made a game of it. Seeing how many times I could bounce the ball in a day, and then trying to break that record. Occasionally, the police arrived to search my home.
- Chief Wiggum: Find anything this time boys?
- Lou: Nah, no sign of him Chief.
- Chief Wiggum: Princess Opal?
- Princess Opal: I see nothing here. But I'm afraid it's Splitsville for Delta Burke and Major Dad.
- Chief Wiggum: But they seemed so happy.
- Principal Skinner: I shouted until I was hoarse, but they couldn't hear me.
- [yelling]
- Principal Skinner: I'M IN HERE!
- Chief Wiggum: Well, let's go.
- Eddie: Ok Chief.
- Principal Skinner: Finally, I realised if I was ever going to get out of there I would have to do it myself. I formed a crude rocket from a discarded cigar tube and remembering an experiment from my days as a 4th Grade science teacher I concocted a fuel from baking soda and the juice of discarded lemon wedges. The rocket took off with a mighty blast of carbon dioxide dragging behind it the end of a vacuum cleaner cord. I grabbed onto the vacuum cleaner, pushed the cord retractor button, and was on my way to freedom. That's my courageous story.
- Prosecuting Attorney: [everyone in the courtroom gives Skinner a round of applause] Your Honour, the prosecution moves that Principal Skinner's testimony be stricken from the record.
- Judge Snyder: Denied. Case dismissed.
- Lionel Hutz: Your Honour. Do I still get paid?